IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Task 2: More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #information #address #telephone #number… #activities #networks #purposes #development
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Nowadays, it is becoming increasingly common for
people
Use synonyms
 to provide their personal details online.
Although
Linking Words
this
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 practice might facilitate a better user experience, I believe the trend is negative as
people
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 will likely be vulnerable to
cyber-crimes
Correct your spelling
cyber crimes
show examples
.
To begin
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 with, posting personal
information
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 online brings lots of
benfits
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benefits
. The key factor is that by providing the Internet with personal data, users are effortlessly able to log into some social networks or other platforms and
this
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 leads to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
convenience in many aspects.
For example
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, when consumers want to purchase any products on e-commercial websites
such
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 as Amazon or Alibaba, they can immediately order as all the necessary
information
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 for delivery
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 been saved since the log-in step.
Furthermore
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, it is uncomplicated for
people
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 to broaden their social
relationship
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relationships
show examples
 and
also
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 a convenient way to get in contact with their relatives and friends.
On the other hand
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, I
wholehearted
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wholeheartedly
show examples
 believe that putting private details on social media
open
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opens
show examples
 a way to execute criminal activities. The first reason is the address, telephone number and any personal data can be stolen by sophisticated cyber-crimes and used for negative purposes
such
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 as
scam
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scams
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, blackmails and so on.
As a result
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,
people
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 whose
information
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 leaked might have to face up with numerous consequences. To be more specific, almost
victims
Correct determiner usage
all victims
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 of
cyber- crimes
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cyber-crimes
show examples
 have gone through lots of difficulties in not only finance but
also
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 health. Their entire money in
banking
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the banking
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 account
is took
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is taken
show examples
 away, which means they do not have any savings to make ends meet.
Morever
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Moreover
, the victims might contract
to
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apply
show examples
some diseases
such
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 as autism or
axiety
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anxiety
 disorders
due to
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 the financial pressure. In conclusion, despite the advantages of sharing personal
information
Use synonyms
 online, I hold
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 belief that users should be aware of the serious risks of publicising private details to protect themselves from
cyber-attack
Fix the agreement mistake
cyber-attacks
show examples
.
Submitted by Thanh on

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task response extended
Your essay provides a clear position and supports it with relevant examples. However, ensure all parts of the question are addressed in more depth.
coherence cohesion extended
Your essay is generally well-structured and the ideas are connected logically. Try to improve the flow by using more cohesive devices and transitional phrases where appropriate.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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