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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Task 2: More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#people #information #address #telephone #number… #activities #networks #purposes #development
Nowadays, it is becoming increasingly common for
people
 to provide their personal details online.
Although
this
 practice might facilitate a better user experience, I believe the trend is negative as
people
 will likely be vulnerable to
cyber-crimes
Correct your spelling
cyber crimes
show examples
.
To begin
 with, posting personal
information
 online brings lots of
benfits
Correct your spelling
benefits
. The key factor is that by providing the Internet with personal data, users are effortlessly able to log into some social networks or other platforms and
this
 leads to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
convenience in many aspects.
For example
, when consumers want to purchase any products on e-commercial websites
such
 as Amazon or Alibaba, they can immediately order as all the necessary
information
 for delivery
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 been saved since the log-in step.
Furthermore
, it is uncomplicated for
people
 to broaden their social
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 and
also
 a convenient way to get in contact with their relatives and friends.
On the other hand
, I
wholehearted
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wholeheartedly
show examples
 believe that putting private details on social media
open
Change the verb form
opens
show examples
 a way to execute criminal activities. The first reason is the address, telephone number and any personal data can be stolen by sophisticated cyber-crimes and used for negative purposes
such
 as
scam
Fix the agreement mistake
scams
show examples
, blackmails and so on.
As a result
,
people
 whose
information
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 leaked might have to face up with numerous consequences. To be more specific, almost
victims
Correct determiner usage
all victims
show examples
 of
cyber- crimes
Correct your spelling
cyber-crimes
show examples
 have gone through lots of difficulties in not only finance but
also
 health. Their entire money in
banking
Correct article usage
the banking
show examples
 account
is took
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is taken
show examples
 away, which means they do not have any savings to make ends meet.
Morever
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, the victims might contract
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some diseases
such
 as autism or
axiety
Correct your spelling
anxiety
 disorders
due to
 the financial pressure. In conclusion, despite the advantages of sharing personal
information
 online, I hold
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 belief that users should be aware of the serious risks of publicising private details to protect themselves from
cyber-attack
Fix the agreement mistake
cyber-attacks
show examples
.
Submitted by Thanh on

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task response extended
Your essay provides a clear position and supports it with relevant examples. However, ensure all parts of the question are addressed in more depth.
coherence cohesion extended
Your essay is generally well-structured and the ideas are connected logically. Try to improve the flow by using more cohesive devices and transitional phrases where appropriate.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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