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Band 4.5

Science can now offer people a life expectancy of close to one hundred years or even more. Some people view it in a positive light, but others believe it creates some problems. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#science #offer #people #life #expectancy #years #light
People
 in the past
wish
Wrong verb form
wished
show examples
 to live forever nowadays,scientists improved
people
's living standards which improved
citizens
Change noun form
citizens'
citizen's
show examples
 age .It has some benefits and drawbacks,
to
Correct word choice
but to
show examples
 my mind the negative impacts outweigh the positive ones.In
this
 essay,I will talk about both of them . Some individuals who are professional in their field like to live more to transform their experiences to others ,
as a result
, skilful citizens will increase in the community who progress life expectancy.
However
,
ages
Replace the word
aged
show examples
people
 are involved in many health problems
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 need to spend money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 treatment
consequently
, the elderly are not as productive as before .Even their expenses will go over their advantages.Some countries
such
 as Germany are faced with decreasing
young
Correct quantifier usage
number of young
show examples
people
 with
increasing
Correct article usage
an increasing
show examples
elderly
Correct quantifier usage
number of elderly
show examples
 who did not want to have children when they were younger. In my view, the detrimental effects of being old are more than useful impacts because if the population go up in the world ,
therefore
,human resources will decrease and many individuals
are
Wrong verb form
will be
show examples
 in poverty.
For example
,in China after raising the age of families the ministry told most of the elderly live in a poor condition and can not work so they need welfare. In conclusion,notion interested in
live
Change the verb form
living
show examples
 more but they will face to lack of food and facilities .Health issues which are difficult to cure will be popular and men need to spend most of their income on rehabilitation programs and wellbeing.The authorities should establish some programs in order to prevent disability in older
people
 and be aware of the harmful effects of being so old in the future.
Submitted by rezakiannejad on

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure a clear introduction and conclusion that summarize the main points and express your opinion clearly.
task achievement
Support your main points with specific examples and elaborate on them to strengthen your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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