IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, an increase in crime rate has been blamed on violent images on television and in computer and video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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In many
states
Add a comma
states,
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 criminal
activies
Correct your spelling
activities
 are increasing and the main responsible
fact
Correct your spelling
factor
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 is
to play
Change the verb form
playing
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 electronic games or crime scenarios on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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television. From, my perspective,
this
Linking Words
 proposition is completely true. It seems undeniable that the modern era expiates a lot of technology and it has many latest issues where it can be operated automatically.
As a result
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, updated systems can be able to display easy solutions where people can easily find out the problem.
Thus
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, there
have
Verb problem
is
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 an option to see the transgression scene where it can visualise the critical condition. As children are
soft minded
Add a hyphen
soft-minded
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, they follow what they see in the movie which affects their minds.
However
Linking Words
, some individuals consider illegal activities scenario on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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electronic media has
been
Wrong verb form
be
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 restricted for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children.
For instance
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, infants watching
cinema
Correct article usage
a cinema
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conveying
Wrong verb form
convey
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 a lot of crimes
affects
Verb problem
apply
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deeply and react with their brain.
On the other hand
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, violation
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 only for adult people to concern themselves.
Moreover
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, crime preaches anywhere where it can sicken a person's mind.
As a consequence
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, children lose their minds. In
this
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 ,way they are out of control. Once they are diverted from the illegal work fact, they cannot retrieve themselves. It creates a lot of bad aspects in a society where it has no bounds.
Nevertheless
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, there are other factors to do any evil deeds. If someone cannot meet
up
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apply
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their basic needs, they are coerced into criminal activities and it has no age limit.
For example
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, teenage folks are very fond of ensuing events.
While
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 they watch something, they grab those things to implement it.
On the contrary
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, crime can be spread to any place without any restrictions. In conclusion, electronic media is responsible
to deter
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for deterring
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 wrongdoing
for
Change preposition
in
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 infants.
However
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, other negative aspects
also
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engage
Verb problem
lead
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 to
occur
Verb problem
apply
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any kind of criminal event.

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task achievement
Develop a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that directly addresses the question. For example, "I strongly agree that violent media contributes to an increase in crime rates."
task achievement
Add more specific examples to reinforce your points, such as studies linking media violence to aggressive behavior in children.
coherence
Work on creating smoother transitions between ideas to enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence
Make sure each paragraph clearly supports your main argument and relates back to your thesis.
cohesion
Ensure grammatical accuracy and clarity in your writing. For example, revise phrases like "there have an option" and "crime preaches anywhere" for better understanding.
content
Your essay demonstrates awareness of varying perspectives on media's role in influencing crime.
content
You have attempted to address the topic from multiple angles, discussing both the effects of media and other societal issues.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggressive behavior
  • psychological theories
  • Bandura's Social Learning Theory
  • conclusive scientific evidence
  • correlation
  • multi-factorial
  • socio-economic status
  • mental health
  • sole cause
  • outlet for aggression
  • teamwork
  • strategic thinking
  • counter-studies
  • awareness
  • violent media
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