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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The diagrams below show the life cycle of the silkworm and the stages in the production of silk cloth.

The diagrams below show the life cycle of the silkworm and the stages in the production of silk cloth.
The two pictures, illustrate something regarding the process of the life cycle of the
silkworm
Use synonyms
 and the production of
silk
Use synonyms
 cloth. It proves to be quite apparent that the process of the life cycle is divided into several developing stages. In the first step, on a leaf, a moth produces eggs which will become the
silkworm
Use synonyms
 in the
next
Linking Words
 10 days and they will be fed by the Mulberry leaf
as well as
Linking Words
 in the following step,
Use synonyms
silkworm
Correct article usage
the silkworm
show examples
 larva will become larva which will be almost covered by
silk
Use synonyms
 thread from 4 to 6 weeks before a larva becomes a
cocoon
Use synonyms
 after 3-8 days, after which, a
cocoon
Use synonyms
 will be changed into a moth within 16 days. As can be seen from the illustration, the procedure of production of
silk
Use synonyms
 cloth consists of a few parts as follows.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, a
cocoon
Use synonyms
 which will be boiled in the water in the
next
Linking Words
 part will be selected first and the
cocoon
Use synonyms
 will be unwinded to a thread which will be between 300 and 900 meters before
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
cocoon
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will be twisted and dyed in a container, aside from which, a
cocoon
Use synonyms
 will be weaved and
then
Linking Words
 dyed again. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 is the whole stage of the life cycle of the
silkworm
Use synonyms
 and the production of
silk
Use synonyms
 cloth.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "next".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words silkworm, silk, cocoon with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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