IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

#years #interest #relationship #equality #achievement #people #individuals #societies #levels #merits #success
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Equality means that
people
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 will have the same rights and treatments, and in
this
Linking Words
 kind of
society
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, I believe
people
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 will achieve more than in
unequal
Correct article usage
an unequal
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 environment. For
equal
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an equal
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society
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, public service will benefit
people
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 a lot and improve their sense of well-being. One important factor is the medical factors. All of the
people
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 will have the rights to be treated
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well
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welly
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well
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 and if the illness is very serious like cancers that hardly can be cured,
government
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the government
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 will take
burden
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the burden
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 of it and take most of the responsibilities. Another factor is education , all the citizens have the same
rights
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right
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 to receive education for free. In a
society
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that is
Linking Words
 equal, it should not appear the phenomenon that wealthy
family
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families
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 paying
higher
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a higher
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fee
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fees
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 to gain better education and teacher
thus
Linking Words
 lead to a better job background and opportunities.
In
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An
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equal
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an equal
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society
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,
people
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 will have more opportunities to purchase their wants because their opportunities are the same and they would not have
the
Correct article usage
apply
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dissatisfaction
Besides
Linking Words
, they may have more motivation to achieve their personal success. Wherever, in a
society
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that is
Linking Words
 unequal,
people
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 will feel that they are not treated equally and will have resentment towards life, though equality does not have the necessary connection with personal achievement.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if
people
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 make the same efforts but the results
turns
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turn
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 out to be different due to the
uneqaulity
Correct your spelling
inequality
, it will greatly demotivate
people
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 to achieve their personal success for they know some factors
such
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 as the family backgrounds cannot be changed and they will easily give up on their way purchasing. In all, in
equal
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an equal
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society
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, it seems that personal success may be
more
Change the word
apply
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easier and more
motivate
Replace the word
motivating
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 for
people
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 to achieve and keep purchasing it.
Submitted by Welkin on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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