IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In mordern times, children are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. 1. Why has this change occured? 2. Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home

#mordern #times #children #time #families #friends #change #parents #force #home
These days children find it more fun to spend their hours with their contemporaries than
family
Change preposition
with family
show examples
 members. They are enjoying
this
 more as it definitely helps them to think and exercise their brainstorming in their own way. Being surrounded by
friends
 most of the time helps them to explore their own self-esteem. Once their self-esteem is awakened it encourages them to explore new discoveries and inventions at an early age.
For instance
: children's participation in different sports activities has drastically increased and sooner they will bring many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
awards from international competitive arenas too.
However
, controlling the child by not letting them spend more time with their
friends
, can hamper the
child to
Change preposition
child's
show examples
grow
Replace the word
growth
show examples
 independently. And so it
also
 obstructs them to think and share their views with their
friends
. So maybe in later days, the child becomes more passive and introverted which again keeps them away from the people at large.
For instance
; we can always
cote
Verb problem
mention
show examples
 the famous Scientist Issac Newton, as sir Netwon was very
much
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
shy to mix with people and he couldn't speak well with outsiders for
long
Fix the agreement mistake
many
show examples
 years. In conclusion, the scion is found to spend their time with their
friends
 than within the four walls of their home in a way
it’s
Correct your spelling
it is
show examples
 better as it helps them to build their character more freely and independently. All said and done one thing we must watch is that heir must not fall
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 bad company and ruin their lives in drugs and other notorious activities.
Submitted by susmitabhusal71 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses both questions, but it could benefit from a clearer explanation of why children spend more time with friends and less time with family in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to clearly explain the connection between friends' activities and the development of children's self-esteem, as well as the negative effects of isolating them from friends.
task achievement
A few more concrete examples relevant to current children's activities, other than sports, could help strengthen your points.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your argument and provides a balanced view on the topic.
task achievement
You have used clear and comprehensive ideas to convey your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a good logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: