IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
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It is argued by some politicians and media authorities that violent content media has been worsened
to
Change preposition
apply
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individual’s behaviour and community, others think these are not causing any harm. From my point of view,
violence
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 in any way has bad effects on
person’s
Correct article usage
a person’s
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 mindset and society.
Depends
Wrong verb form
Depending
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 on past events, violent
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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 has been added to
films
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 as the best way to help the viewers understand more and have
better
Add an article
a better
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 vision
about
Change preposition
of
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 realities around the world.
For instance
Linking Words
, terrorist scenes and concepts of robbery are more easily imagined
throughout
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through
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 watching and hearing documentary
films
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.
In addition
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, benefits greatly from playing violent games, not only enhance cognitive-skill by training the brain to handle complex situations but
also
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 help improve decision-making skill.
Therefore
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,
people
Use synonyms
 consider watching
films
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 and playing games which involve violent content as a learning tool and
not
Add a missing verb
do not
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having
Wrong verb form
have
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 any vital influence on
people
Use synonyms
's behaviour. Many developers and programer have abused the aggressive instinct to increase the excitement of the games and
films
Use synonyms
. Murder, killing and bullying were seen as normal or enjoyful until
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 influenced real-world by forming violent lifestyles which may cause criminal behaviours. Virtual and reality can be mixed, gamers and viewers will be led to accept
these
Change the determiner
this violence
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violence
Use synonyms
 and consider it as the truth and legal in the real world. It not only affects the subconscious but
also
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 involves
unconscious
Correct article usage
an unconscious
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 mindset where
people
Use synonyms
 can’t control themselves. According to that, we can deny
violence
Use synonyms
 can’t cause bad effects on
people
Use synonyms
 and society. To sum up,
these
Correct determiner usage
this
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violence
Use synonyms
 depends on the perception of each person. In my point of view, I strongly
Correct your spelling
believe
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belive
Correct your spelling
believe
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 that it will influence
the
Correct article usage
a
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 harmonious life
where
Correct word choice
that
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consist
Correct subject-verb agreement
consists
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 and society.
Submitted by hoangthanhnam.dav on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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