IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia.
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The line graphs provide information about the
numbers
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 of the Republic of Freedonia who are employed in 6 different areas in 1975 and 1995.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that in 1975 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
male
Change to a plural noun
males
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 is higher than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in all categories but in 1995
women
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 started to be ahead of
men
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 in some sectors
suxh
Correct your spelling
such
 as communications, wholesale and retail trade.  In 1975 the
number
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 of
emloyed
Correct your spelling
employed
men
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 in manufacturing is about 700
while
Linking Words
women
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 take only 300. As for
communications
Add a comma
,communications
show examples
 there are almost the same
Use synonyms
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of people but in the finance
category
Add a comma
,category
show examples
 there are nearly 200
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 and more than 400
men
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.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 wholesale and retail trade
include
Change the verb form
includes
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 about 500
women
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 and 700
men
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while
Linking Words
 in the public
sector
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 (non-defence) these
numbers
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 are higher by 100 people. The
last
Linking Words
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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category is the public
sector
Use synonyms
 (defence) which includes 100
women
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 and 200
men
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. It can be seen that some of these
numbers
Use synonyms
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
changed in 1995. The
number
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 of
women
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 who are employed in communication increased
while
Linking Words
 the
Use synonyms
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
men
Use synonyms
 stayed unchanged.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 the
number
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 of
female
Change to a plural noun
females
show examples
 in the banking
sector
Use synonyms
 had
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
surge
Wrong verb form
surged
show examples
 to almost 500.
Moreover
Linking Words
 statistics of
women
Use synonyms
 in the wholesale and public
sector
Use synonyms
 (defence)
raised
Add a missing verb
were raised
show examples
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words numbers, men, women, number, sector with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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