IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their spare time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#say #parents #children #part #group #activities #time
It is believed by some people that
children
 should learn how to manage themselves alone. Others think that
parents
 should motivate their
children
 to participate in organised
group
activities
 in their free
time
.
However
,
children
 could achieve to manage themselves alone even though they
encouraged
Add a missing verb
were encouraged
show examples
 by their
parents
 to participate
organised
Change preposition
in organised
show examples
group
activities
, and
this
Change the determiner
this activity
these activities
show examples
activities
 could be much beneficial,
thus
 I support them. In
Correct your spelling
today's
today
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
Correct your spelling
world
show examples
word
Correct your spelling
world
show examples
,
children
 have a lot of responsibilities, and most
them
Change preposition
of them
show examples
grow
Add the particle
togrow
show examples
 reckon without what are their true wishes about their
life
 and career. Letting
children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
decide what they want to do in their spare
time
 will make them able to discover themselves, and handle
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the issues they could face during
this
time
.
In addition
 to that, according to developmental psychology autonomy is one most important skills a child should gain throughout
early
Correct article usage
the early
show examples
 years of
life
, self-managed free
time
 will help them to gain
this
 skill.
On the other hand
 it a well-known fact that support of family is essential in
chilhood
Correct your spelling
childhood
, and since
parents
 are the ones who knew their
children
 most, they can motivate them to organised
group
activities
 according to their talents.
This
 will help them to
more
Add a missing verb
be more
show examples
Correct your spelling
successful
successfully
successfull
Correct your spelling
successful
 later in
life
. Spending their free
time
 in
such
activities
 will improve the related skills of
children
 with their interpersonal and
time
-management skills. In my opinion, it is already not
possiple
Correct your spelling
possible
 to motivate
children
 in every
aspects
Change to a singular noun
aspect
show examples
 of
life
, and
therefore
 directing them to organised
group
activities
 in a particular
time
 is not a barrier for
children
 to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Taking into account the advantages of
this
 type of
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
,
parents
 should encourage their
children
 to participate in them.
Submitted by feyza.tas1302 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: