IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government have the responsibility to change the situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, in many nations, overweight problems are a common issue. It is often argued that in many countries,
children
Use synonyms
 are suffering from overweight and unhealthy problems. Some individuals think that the authorities have the responsibility to change the situation. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement and I think that
along with
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 the government, parents have
also
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 equal responsibility to fix the issue effectively. I will explain my reasons for it in the following paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are many methods to change
this
Linking Words
 problem more effectively. First and foremost, the authorities should ban low-quality ingredients and uncertified materials that are mixed in
fast-food
Correct your spelling
fast food
show examples
 and beverages
such
Linking Words
 as burgers and rolls.
For example
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, in a recent survey, it can be seen that under 10 years of age
children
Use synonyms
 suffering from stomach diseases
due to
Linking Words
 eating street
foods
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, street
foods
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 mix low-quality ingredients which are harmful to people and for that reason, they suffer from diseases.
Secondly
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, the government should build more parks and open
space
Fix the agreement mistake
spaces
show examples
 for
children
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 to exercise in their leisure time, which
helps
Wrong verb form
will help
show examples
 them to prevent from overweight problem.
Furthermore
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,
along with
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 the government, parents have
also
Linking Words
 the responsibility to fix
this
Linking Words
 issue. To illustrate
this
Linking Words
, parents should encourage their offspring to take more healthy diets
instead
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 of
carbohydrates
Fix the agreement mistake
carbohydrate
show examples
 food, which helps individuals to fit and be more conscious.
For example
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, eating dry and boiled
foods
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 increase people's immune system and keep them strong for longer.
Thus
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, eating healthy
foods
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keep
Correct subject-verb agreement
keeps
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 more healthy and fit.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 eating a high amount of fast-food beverages people are suffering from overweight problems and unhealthy.
However
Linking Words
, eating healthy diets and exercising help
children
Use synonyms
 to keep fit and healthy.

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat unclear, with ideas not flowing smoothly from one to the next. Consider organizing the essay in a more coherent manner.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and fulfill their functions. However, the body paragraphs need to be more clearly connected to each other and the overall task.
task achievement
The response provides a somewhat complete answer to the task, but some points are not fully developed. Ensure that all aspects of the task are fully addressed in detail.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • government intervention
  • junk food consumption
  • physical education (PE)
  • sporting facilities
  • subsidies
  • public health campaigns
  • balanced diet
  • parental supervision
  • nutritional education
  • meal planning
  • advertising regulations
  • socio-economic status
  • recreational facilities
  • personal responsibility
  • health education
  • long-term consequences
  • youth-led initiatives
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