IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree? Provide relevant examples if necessary.

#salary #job #satisfaction
It is argued that earning more money is an essential factor than having self-fulfilment by engaging as an employee of a company.
This
 essay totally disagrees with that statement. I am in view of many people believe that being healthy and self-satisfaction more important than getting highly paid employment. High-paid positions always bear more responsibilities and always try to achieve targets under any circumstances without caring about job satisfaction. People who work under pressure and have more responsibilities are always paid high wages. They are always target-oriented and never concerned about their happiness.
Consequently
,
this
 kind of situation leads to
building up
Verb problem
apply
show examples
unrest in the working environment. Even though
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 any member of an organization performs their duties under disappointment it will cause to reduce the performance of
such
 employees
as well as
 institutional targets achievements. A famous biscuit manufacturing company frequently published notifications for recruiting an officer as their project Manager with a high remuneration package. One of my friends working there confirmed that the post is highly stressful and there is a high labour turnover for the said position. There are so many factors that affect being healthy, but among these having a good working environment is much more important to have physical and mental well-being. Healthy employees always find new solutions and new ways to achieve their targets and maintain their work-life balance. For, example my own sister worked in a private bank and always
spend
Verb problem
had
show examples
 a stressful lifestyle.
As a result
 of it
finally
 she gave up her career.
Furthermore
, she has the ability to teach and started to work as a primary teacher with a small package. Day by day she loves her new appointment and recently she said that she is
happy
Replace the word
happier
show examples
 about her new position than in her previous
highly paid
Add a hyphen
highly-paid
show examples
 post. In conclusion, many people believe that being healthy is more important than having
stressful
Correct article usage
a stressful
show examples
 life with a highly paid job opportunity.
Therefore
, employers should draw more attention to bringing a more comfortable working environment
while
 paying reasonable wages to their staff.
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task response
In your response, you have presented clear and relevant examples to support your position. However, your essay lacks a clear position statement in the introduction. Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. Your main points are supported with relevant examples. However, consider using more transition words and phrases to improve the coherence and flow of your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • remuneration
  • financial security
  • motivation
  • luxuries
  • material possessions
  • fulfillment
  • work-life balance
  • stress levels
  • mental well-being
  • job security
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