IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION AND IN COMPUTER GAMES HAS A DAMAGING EFFECT ON THE COCIETY. OTHERS DENY THAT THESE FACTORS HAVE ANY SIGNIFICANT INFLUENCE ON PEOPLE’S BEHAVIOUR. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #cociety #factors #influence #people’s #behaviour
People
 hold conflicting views about whether
violence
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
media
 has a significant impact on the public or not. While a number of
people
 believe that it is unsafe to witness
violence
 on the Internet, I would say that it is the out-of-date perspective currently. There are various compelling reasons why it is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
violence
 on social
media
.
Firstly
, the policy of protecting
users
 has been
constituded
Correct your spelling
constituted
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
civilized society. The bringing new blood trend of
users
 is happening in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
media
 as a consequence that social
media
 directors should renovate the social network so as to ease
people
 from every
ages
Change to a singular noun
age
show examples
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
accessible to useful sites.
For instance
, Messengers and Youtube have released and applied the implications of kid accessibility on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
media
 so parents are sure
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the security of their children.
Secondly
,
Internet
Correct article usage
an Internet
show examples
 security constitution has been established globally which restricts the illegal activities of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hackers and illegal
users
.
As a result
, there is the limitation of
people
 being affected
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the press or posts about the incorrect direction in politics, society or healthcare.
This
 is hoped to provide a healthy environment for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
global
users
 for saying no
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unsafe sites on social
media
.
In contrast
, I think that these solutions are still having some disadvantageous figures. Many hackers find ways for hiding their secret information deep inside the formal or official pages, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
readership
Replace the word
readers
show examples
 confused about the affairs.
Besides
 that, taking bribes is still a common affair in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
media
 when
people
 pay for uploading
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gutter information. It is seen that government should have a serious
penalty
Fix the agreement mistake
penalties
show examples
 and management on the social network for the safety of the
users
. Not only the head of countries but
also
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
awareness is the core for escaping the
violence
 on the Internet whatever categories of information spread.
However
,
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 trying to be adaptable with numerous methods of defrauding. In conclusion, I would like to say that it is needed to think positively that many laws have been established for the
users
’ safety so
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
violence
 is limited.
Also
, I think that it should be combined with the clever awareness of the public to eliminate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violence
 on
social
Add an article
the social
a social
show examples
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
.
Submitted by wbvovo on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: