IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Since the 18th century technological advances have replaced people in the workplace. With today’s technology this process is happening at a greater rate. Technology is increasingly responsible for unemployment. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#century #advances #people #workplace #today’s #technology #process #rate #unemployment
It is often argued that
technology
 is the reason for unemployed people,
while
 others believe it makes their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 easier.
Although
 I agree that
technology
 has an impassive effect on individual
life
, I think that effect was negative on their work
life
. At the outset, some folk lost their position because of
technology
.
Technology
 has been
turnover
Correct your spelling
turning
show examples
 the outdated people who have not kept themselves on track with their peers. Over time, there are job titles disappeared, and at the same time, the updated invention takes place in the agricultural field, food
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 produced by auto machines and there are no significant myriad human roles in the food processor.
And
Correct word choice
Thus
show examples
thus
 household chores,
that is
 why humans think losing their career
life
due to
 new discoveries. In sharp contrast to
this
, to embark on new occupations that have been created by the inventions. Ultimately, new fields and careers started to figure their way out in the new generation,
therefore
, the nation’s daily routine
life
 was manageable.
For instance
, Artificial Intelligence is a new domain that has affected our work career positively. Doctors and scientists have precisely discovered new
treatments
Fix the agreement mistake
treatment
show examples
plan
Correct subject-verb agreement
plans
show examples
 for their patients by using AI.
That is
 helpful for those who are suffering from illnesses.
Consequently
, inventions and discoveries have created new opportunities for the future.
To conclude
, even though I think technologies
take
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a powerful presence in workplaces with a variety of scopes that make the community waste their career, I totally think that
technology
 finds
out
Change preposition
apply
show examples
new domains that were not available previously.
Submitted by rehameldweik on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
You need to provide a more balanced view on the impact of technology on employment. Your ideas are not fully developed and lack specific examples to support your points. Make sure to address the task question more directly and consider both positive and negative effects of technology on unemployment.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear overall structure. Work on creating a more coherent flow of ideas, and use linking words and phrases to connect your sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that your introduction and conclusion effectively introduce and summarize your main points.
Lexical Resource
Expand your vocabulary and use more varied and precise language. Additionally, pay attention to word choice and accuracy to convey your ideas more effectively.
Grammatical Range
Work on sentence structure and accuracy to avoid errors. Sentence structures are often unclear and there are several instances of grammatical mistakes. Focus on using a wider range of grammar structures effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: