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Band 4.5

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #think #activities #child’s #health
With the development of
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
, more and more
children
 like to
lay
Wrong verb form
lie
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 into the
Correct your spelling
couch
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cough
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couch
show examples
 and watch
TV
 or play
games
 all day. Some experts think it is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their mental health to stare
screens
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at screens
show examples
 for a long
time
, I
Correct your spelling
definitely
definately
Correct your spelling
definitely
 agree with
this
 view. In conclusion, there is a negative influence on
children
 who spend too much
time
 on
TV
 shows or video
games
. The results are
lead
Replace the word
led
show examples
 by not only parents
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but schools and the government. There are many disadvantages
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
Change noun form
children's
show examples
childrens'
Correct your spelling
children's
show examples
 mental health.
Firstly
, their academic
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performances
performance
proformances
Correct your spelling
performance
 in school will be
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affected
affacted
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affected
 by too many leisure activities. As a student,
children
 usually need to spend
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most
show examples
almost
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most
show examples
 of their
time
 and energy on courses which could help them in the future, like
mathmatics
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mathematics
, history and other subjects
instead
 of
TV
 series and digital
games
.
Secondly
, as we know, those
TV
 programs and
games
 are produced to attract adults,
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 means they always consist of some plots which are full of violence,
blooding
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blood
show examples
 and sex. And
children
 like to
intimate
Add a missing verb
be intimate
show examples
 no matter what they see, which results that they will consider violence as a good way to solve problems and even
try
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 to
crime
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crimes
show examples
 like the actors who are on the screens.
Undoubtely
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Undoubtedly
, it is
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responsibility
Correct article usage
the responsbility
show examples
responsbility
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responsibility
for
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of
show examples
 their parents to
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limit
limite
Correct your spelling
limit
 kids watch
TV
 and play
games
 at
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
property
time
. But lots of parents are busy with their work and don't have enough
time
 and energy to accompany
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their kids,
that is
 the primary reason for
this
 situation.
School
Fix the agreement mistake
Schools
show examples
also
 need to do something for their students, including paying more attention to students' mental health, leading them to read books or do some sports
instead
 of just
watch
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watching
show examples
TV
 and teaching
Correct article usage
the skill
show examples
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 of conversation to encourage them
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play
show examples
paly
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play
show examples
 with others. At the same
time
, it is necessary for the government to make some policies to make those companies who produce
TV
 programs and computer
games
Correct your spelling
limited
limite
Correct your spelling
limit
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
watch
Change the verb form
watching
show examples
 their programs.
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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