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Band 4.5

In spite of many advances, women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace.

#spite #advances #women #education #employment #promotion #equality #opportunity #men #workplace
Since the world has developed,
equality
 plays an essential role in society. People have started to create
equality
 for both genders.
However
, there is still some inequality in the workplace,
women
 get paid and
promote
Wrong verb form
promoted
show examples
 lower than
men
.
This
 essay will demonstrate the creation of
equality
 in today's world. First of all, creating a campaign to raise individual awareness of fairness, which can
promote
Wrong verb form
be promoted
show examples
 on social media platforms or posters along streets.
Thus
,
this
 can increase the opportunity for
women
 to get promoted, resulting in them being paid the same salary. Almost every person has a negative mindset about
women
, they believe that
women
 cannot get a good education and employment.
Therefore
,
women
 should take care of their children and do
house working
Correct your spelling
housework
show examples
 rather than having an actual career. Many
women
 do not have an opportunity to illustrate themselves because of their own gender,
while
 most citizens believe in
men
 more than
women
.
Furthermore
, in some countries,
women
 do not have any chances to be educated and always
insult
Wrong verb form
insulted
show examples
 by
men
, which can escalate to the murder of their own child if they are
women
.
Subsequently
, the government should protect
women
's rights by imposing legislation the laws. In most organisations, workers get an increase in their salary every year, if the government legislates laws to get equal increases in both genders, which can increase the
equality
 in
women
 gender.
To conclude
,
women
 should be equal to
men
, every gender should have rights. I strongly believe that if everyone raises awareness on
this
 point, inequality will
be disappeared
Wrong verb form
disappear
show examples
 soon.
Submitted by natthataphon on

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task response
The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic, but the response is underdeveloped. The points lack clarity and depth, resulting in an incomplete response to the task.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement and the conclusion does not effectively sum up the main points. Consider structuring the essay with a more cohesive introduction and conclusion to guide the reader through the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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