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Band 5.5

The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960, 2010.

The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960, 2010.
#show #percentage #people #sectors #town #b
The Pie Charts illustrate the proportion of staff involved in three types of jobs in two different towns between 1960 and 2010.
Overall
, the graphs demonstrate that the people who worked in the manufacturing field for both towns were high in numbers in the 60s.
However
, service sectors were admired by many in the next fifty years. To start with, the data about the first
town
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the charts shows that in 1960, the area of manufacturing as a profession was chosen by a huge number of people.
Whereas
 in that year 41% of total
employments
Correct your spelling
employment
show examples
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 dominated by the field, the numbers significantly decreased and only 20%were involved in the occupation in 2010. A notable rise was observed in
town
 A in the field of services and where there was only 29% of employees were working, the percentage was augmented
in
Change preposition
to
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 64%.
In contrast
, Where in
town
 A the number of staff decreased drastically from 30 to 16 per cent, a slight growth was noted in
town
 B and the amount increased
20
Change preposition
from 20
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 to 22 per cent.
Although
 in the second
town
Add a comma
,town
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 the services sectors got a boost
by
Change preposition
from
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 10% to 25%, labour works dropped
in
Change preposition
from
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 70 to 58 per cent from 1960 to 2010.
To conclude
, in 2010, the dominating job sector in
town
 A was replaced by services,
whereas
 the manufacturing area was the most
preincreasn
Correct your spelling
reincrease
town
 B.
Submitted by rishi.seehra on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words town with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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