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Writing Samples
Band 4

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
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This
Linking Words
 bar chart demonstrates
Change preposition
to us
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us
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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the rate of
men
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 and
women
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from
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of
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 various
ages
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 who did regular physical exercises in
Australian
Correct your spelling
Australia
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 in 2010. As seen in the chart
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
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 who are between 45 and 54
ages
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 have the highest rate of doing sports with a
percentage
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 of 53.3
whereas
Linking Words
 the highest exercising age of
men
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are
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is
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 15-24 and
this
Linking Words
percentage
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 is 52.8.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
men
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’s
percentage
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 39.5 have
lowest
Correct article usage
the lowest
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 physical activity from 35 to 44
ages
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.
In addition
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,
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
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 of
women
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 is 47.1 that are 65 and
over
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overages
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ages
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. Between 25 to 34
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ages
Change the noun form
age
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 participants who account for
female
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the female
a female
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 proportion of 48.9 are higher than
Add an article
a male
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male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 whose proportion is 42.2. 39.5
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percentage
Replace the word
per cent
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 of
men
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 and 52.5
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percentage
Replace the word
per cent
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 of
women
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 exercise regularly
at
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in
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 the range of 35 to 44 years old .
Similarly
Linking Words
, we almost observe equal percentages between 45-54
ages
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 and 55-64
ages
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. Relatively,
while
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 the 45-54
ages
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 of
men
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 group are 43.1 ,
women
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 are 53.3
besides
Linking Words
 45-54
ages
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 of
men
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 group are 45.1 and
women
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 are 53. Compare with
women
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 and
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men
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men's
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 participation over 65
ages
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,
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women
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women's
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 participations are
percentage
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 47.1 a little bit higher than
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men
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men's
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 participation
percentage
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46.7
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of 46.7
show examples
. these
ages
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 of
men
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 increase regular exercise %2
Add the comma(s)
, on the other hand,
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on the other hand
Linking Words
 these
ages
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 of
women
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 decrease exercise %0.3.
Submitted by eesra.kuzuu on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, ages, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 8 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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