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Writing Samples
Band 5

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
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the bar chart describes some changes in the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of humans who were born in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and who were born outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 living in urban, rural and towns in the period from 1995 to 2010. as can be seen in 1995 the number of
people
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 who were born in cities outside
Australia
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 is higher than
people
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 who were born in
Australia
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's cities.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
,addition
show examples
 it is unchanged in 2010. in 1995 the
percentage
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 of humans who were born in
Australia
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's towns is 20 per
cent
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,
while
Linking Words
 the
percentage
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 of
people
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 who were born outside
Australia
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 is a little less than 20 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
However
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,However
show examples
 in
2010
Add a comma
,2010
show examples
 the
percentage
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 of
people
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 who were born in
Australia
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 and outside
Australia
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 is fewer than 20 per
cent
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. And
finally
Linking Words
 the rural areas. in 1995 the
percentage
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 of
people
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 who were born outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 is 40 per
cent
Use synonyms
whereas
Linking Words
 the
percentage
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 of humans who were born in
Australia
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 is more than 40 per
cent
Use synonyms
. and in 2010 the
percentage
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 of
people
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 who were born in
Australia
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's rural areas is more or less 20 per
cent
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
for people
show examples
 who were born outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 is roughly 10 per
cent
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, australia, people, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "describes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 7 times.
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