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Writing Samples /
Band 5

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.
#minutes #bar #changes #percentage #people #australia #town #summarise #information #features #comparisons
the bar chart describes some changes in the
percentage
 of humans who were born in
Australia
 and who were born outside
Australia
 living in urban, rural and towns in the period from 1995 to 2010. as can be seen in 1995 the number of
people
 who were born in cities outside
Australia
 is higher than
people
 who were born in
Australia
's cities.
In
addition
Add a comma
,addition
show examples
 it is unchanged in 2010. in 1995 the
percentage
 of humans who were born in
Australia
's towns is 20 per
cent
,
while
 the
percentage
 of
people
 who were born outside
Australia
 is a little less than 20 per
cent
.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 in
2010
Add a comma
,2010
show examples
 the
percentage
 of
people
 who were born in
Australia
 and outside
Australia
 is fewer than 20 per
cent
. And
finally
 the rural areas. in 1995 the
percentage
 of
people
 who were born outside
Australia
 is 40 per
cent
whereas
 the
percentage
 of humans who were born in
Australia
 is more than 40 per
cent
. and in 2010 the
percentage
 of
people
 who were born in
Australia
's rural areas is more or less 20 per
cent
,
whereas
people
Change preposition
for people
show examples
 who were born outside
Australia
 is roughly 10 per
cent
.
Submitted by lilit_margaryan2006 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, australia, people, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "describes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 7 times.
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