IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
The bar chart illustrates
proportions
Correct article usage
the proportions
show examples
 of two different genders in various age groups who
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 physically active in the year 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly seen that at the age of 15 to 24
women
Use synonyms
 were more active compared to
men
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
Men
Use synonyms
 in the following period of time were at the top in physical activity compared to
women
Use synonyms
. To commence with,
women
Use synonyms
 from 15-24 years old have the highest proportion 52.8 in the chart who was physically fit
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
52.8 per
centWhile
Correct your spelling
cent while
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 for
men
Use synonyms
 was 47.7.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
percentage
Use synonyms
 was changed in the given year for each gender. People in the range of 25-34 have 42.2 per cent for
women
Use synonyms
 and 48.9
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 for the opposite gender.
Therefore
Linking Words
, from 35 to 64 years old the
percentage
Use synonyms
 for
men
Use synonyms
 was higher compared to
women
Use synonyms
 with just above 50% but for ,
women
Use synonyms
 the proportion was just under 40%.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
,hand
show examples
 people who were 65 or over has
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
almost the
Same
Fix capitalization
same
show examples
 amount of
percentage
Use synonyms
 in the year 2010.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Replace the words women, men, percentage with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: