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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#percentage #staff #members #faculties #university #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart describes the gender ratio of staff members who
belonging
Wrong verb form
belonged
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 to the
accademic
Correct your spelling
academic
 faculties of a leading college in 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, the number of departments where there are more
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 than female is larger than the opposite case,
while
Linking Words
 a few faculties have more women. The male percentages
of
Change preposition
in
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 business, engineering, law, and science surpass 50%,
in particular
Linking Words
, in
engineering
Add a comma
,engineering
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 there are over 4 times more male members than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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. Regarding business and science, there is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 similar difference, where the number of men is twice as big as
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, the law
faclty
Correct your spelling
faculty
 does not have a so significant gap as the other since the variance between the genders is approximately 20%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a majority of people in
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
, education, and medicine section
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 female. In
education
Correct article usage
the education
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 faculty, a remarkable gender divergence is observed, and nearly 4 times more female is involved than male,
while
Linking Words
 the rate
gaps
Fix the agreement mistake
gap
show examples
less
Change preposition
of less
show examples
 than 20% can be seen in
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
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 and medicine
departmant
Correct your spelling
department
. The medicine faculty has
almost
Correct article usage
an almost
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 even
gender
Correct article usage
a gender
show examples
 ratio
although
Linking Words
 the female number is slightly higher than
male
Correct article usage
the male
show examples
.
Submitted by takumi on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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