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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The pie graphs below indicate the results of a survey of activities by children The first graph displays leisure and cultural activities that boys participate in, while the second graph displays activities where girls participate. Write a report describing the information displayed in these two pie graphs.

The pie graphs below indicate the results of a survey of activities by children The first graph displays leisure and cultural activities that boys participate in, while the second graph displays activities where girls participate. Write a report describing the information displayed in these two pie graphs.
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The two pie charts
provides
Change the verb form
provide
show examples
 information on the activities of children,
while
Linking Words
 the first chart illustrates the Boy’s Cultural and Leisure activities
while
Linking Words
 the second chart describes the leisure activities of
girls
Use synonyms
. In the first pie
chart
Add a comma
,chart
show examples
 It may be observed that
boys
Use synonyms
 spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 playing computer games which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 at 34%, basketball at 26%, Soccer at 17%,
skating
Correct word choice
and skating
show examples
 at 11%.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
girls
Use synonyms
 spend their most
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
dancing at 27% and spend less or reasonable
time
Use synonyms
 playing sports or other games i.e., Computer games at 16%, netball at 15%. Comparatively, both
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girl
Fix the agreement mistake
girls
show examples
 spend equal
time
Use synonyms
 listening to music at 10% and
while
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
 spend
their
Change the word
the
show examples
least
Correct your spelling
last
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 reading at 2%,
girls
Use synonyms
 spend more
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reading at 21%.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
boys
Use synonyms
 are spending most of their playing,
girls
Use synonyms
 spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 dancing and reading. It is seen that
girls
Use synonyms
 have
also
Linking Words
 shown keen interest in gymnastics which is at 11%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words girls, boys, time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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