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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graphs below show the number of men and women in full and part-time employment in Australia between 1973 and 1993. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graphs below show the number of men and women in full and part-time employment in Australia between 1973 and 1993. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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This
Linking Words
 chart is from the Labour Force Survey which illustrates the trend of males and
females
Use synonyms
 in full and part-time jobs in Australia from 1973 to 1993. The proportion of full-time males in 1993 increased significantly from 25% in the group of
age
Use synonyms
 15 and hit 100% after 29, it gradually decreases and it was close to 0% in the
age
Use synonyms
 65 or above,
while
Linking Words
 the same proportion was approximately 20% higher in 1973. The number of part-time males is very low, it only exceeded 20% among ages 15-19 in 1993 and it was under 10% in 1973 and other
age
Use synonyms
 groups.
By comparison
Linking Words
, the figure for full-time
females
Use synonyms
 starts from 20% in 1993 and 50% in 1973, it hit 60% at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 25, there is a 20% decline in the group of 20-35, which increases
then
Linking Words
 that but gradually decreased to below 10% after the
age
Use synonyms
 of 60. The proportion of
females
Use synonyms
 part-time part is greater
while
Linking Words
 the highest number hits 35% in 1993, which was 20% higher than in 1973, it
also
Linking Words
 shows the
overall
Linking Words
 trend of part-time
females
Use synonyms
 in 1993 is higher than in 1973. In conclusion, people between the ages of 20 and 35 enjoy working full-time jobs the most,
while
Linking Words
 most of them begin to retire after 60.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words females, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreases" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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