IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Do you think businesses should hire employees who will spend their entire lives working for the company? Explain why you agree or disagree. Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Some
people
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 may consider,
wether
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whether
show examples
it`s
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 a good practice to hire
empleyees
Correct your spelling
employees
, hoping that they will
work
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 for your
company
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 for the rest of their life. I agree with that statement and will explain my position.
Firstly
Linking Words
 I think that one of the most important factors in working at a
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buisness
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business
company
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 is building trust, which is harder to achieve if you hire
someone
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 who doesn`t want to stay in your
company
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.
It`s
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 harder to achieve a true
loyality
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loyalty
 with
someone
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 who doesn`t want to stay at your
company
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 and aims for another one, which is why
it`s
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 more beneficial to hire
someone
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 who would fit perfectly for the job and won`t leave.
It`s
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also
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 important to provide all of the necessary tools, benefits and
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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 for the employee to stay, you can`t expect
someone
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 to
just
Rephrase
apply
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stay at your
company
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 just because you pay them
salary
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a salary
show examples
.
Secondly
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,
people
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 who
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work
Wrong verb form
have worked
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 at your
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buisness
Correct your spelling
business
 for many years become more interested in the
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buisness
Correct your spelling
business
 itself to succeed,
Linking Words
furthermore
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furthermore,
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 if you compare two companies, and one
company
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 have employees that
doesn`t
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don`t
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 stay in it much and leave in about 1 year, and the other where
people
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 are not leaving at all,
then
Linking Words
 I think
it`s
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 obvious that the latter is more beneficial. You can take the Valve
company
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 as an example,
people
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 who
work
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 there don`t switch
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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, and
as a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
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 Valve is a leader in providing
Correct article usage
a digitial
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digitial
Correct your spelling
digital
 marketplace for video games.
It`s
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 important to note that there are only about 250 employees who
work
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 there which is
Correct article usage
an extremly
show examples
extremly
Correct your spelling
extremely
 low amount compared to other companies. In
conclusion
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conclusion,
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 I want to say that it shouldn`t be the top priority for companies to make
someone
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to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
work
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 for your
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buisness
Correct your spelling
business
 for the rest of
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 life, you should provide the
neccessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 benefits and tools, and the rest will come by itself.

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language
Make sure to proofread your essay to correct minor spelling errors, such as 'wether' (whether), 'empleyees' (employees), 'buisness' (business), and 'neccessary' (necessary).
development
While your argument is clear, you could strengthen your points by adding more specific examples or statistics to support your claims about employee loyalty and company success. This would enhance your overall argument.
cohesion
Try to use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your writing and enhance coherence, such as 'for instance', 'in addition', or 'on the other hand'.
content
The main idea that loyal employees contribute to the success of a business is well-articulated, and you provided a real-world example with Valve that supports your argument.
argumentation
You presented a clear agreement with the prompt, which sets a solid foundation for your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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