IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960, 2010.

The charts below show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and town B in 1960, 2010.
#show #percentage #people #sectors #town #b
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The graphs below
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 the percentage of
people
 working in various sectors in
town
 A and
town
B
 in the year 1960 and 2010. In 1960, the
people
 working in the manufacturing
sector
 in
town
 A and
town
B
 has the highest percentage compared to the sales and services
sector
. In 2010,
although
 more than half of the
people
 still work in the manufacturing
sector
 in
town
B
, 64% of the
people
 now work in the services
sector
 in
town
 A.
While
 the
people
Correct quantifier usage
number of people
show examples
 working in the services
sector
increase
Change the form of the verb
increased
show examples
 significantly from 1960 to 2010 in
town
 A, from 29% to 64%, in
town
B
, only a slight increase can be observed, from 10% to 25%.
Conversely
, fewer
people
 work in the sales
sector
 in
town
 A in 2010 compared to 1960, where
percentage
Add an article
the percentage
a percentage
show examples
 of
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
show examples
 plummet from 30% to 16%,
although
 not much change can be seen in
town
B
. 
As
Change preposition
In
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion, more significant changes in working sectors can be seen in
town
 A compared to
town
B
.
Submitted by keecheepheng on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "although".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 70%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, town, b, sector with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "change" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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