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Writing Samples
Band 5

The pie charts below show the proportions of visits to Ireland last year by age group, and by gender and type of visit.

The pie charts below show the proportions of visits to Ireland last year by age group, and by gender and type of visit.
#show #proportions #visits #ireland #year #age #group #gender #type #visit
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The pie chart below
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 the proportion of
visits
 to
Ireland
last
 year by
age
 group and by gender and type of visit.
Overall
 we can see that people
in
Change preposition
aged
show examples
age
 25-34 and 45-54
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the same
23
Change preposition
at 23
show examples
 per cent and they
most
Correct word choice
have more
show examples
visits
 to
Ireland
 than
other
Change the wording
another age group
other age groups
show examples
age
 group. The largest number of tourists to
Ireland
 are men who come on
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 leisure
visit
Fix the agreement mistake
visits
show examples
. The first pie chart shows that three
age
 groups made up most of
last
 year's
visitors
 to
Ireland
. These were 25 to
34 year-olds
Add a hyphen
34-year-olds
show examples
 (23%), 35 to
44 year-olds
Add a hyphen
44-year-olds
show examples
 (19%), and 45 to
54 year-olds
Add a hyphen
54-year-olds
show examples
 (23%). Four other
age
 groups made up the rest, ranging from 6% to 11% of
visitors
. The second pie chart shows that
Ireland
 received
last
 year more male
visitors
 than female
visitors
 (56% to 44%). Business trips to
Ireland
 did not make up a very significant amount of trips, 17% in total;
however
, the amount of business
visits
 conducted by males was much higher, 13%, compared to 4%
female
Change preposition
of female
show examples
 business
visits
.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 83%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words visits, ireland, age, visitors with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "show" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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