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Band 5.5

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT HAVING A SET RETIREMENT AGE (Example 65 YEARS) FOR EVERYBODY, REGARDLESS OF OCCUPATION, IS UNFAIR. THEY BELIEVE THAT A CERTAIN WORKERS DESERVE TO RETIRE AND RECEIVE A PENSION AT AN EARLIER AGE. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE? WHICH TYPE OF WORKERS DO YOU THINK SHOULD BENEFIT FROM EARLY RETIREMENT?

#people #retirement #age #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #type #benefit
There is a considerable bias when it comes to
old
Add a hyphen
old-age
show examples
age
pensions
.
One
 school of thought believes that a set pre-decided
age
 regardless of any
employement
Correct your spelling
employment
 is fair. On the other, there is a group of people who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 seen opposing the trend and advocates for different pension ages
correspondes
Correct your spelling
corresponding
 to
toiling
Add an article
the toiling
a toiling
show examples
 level of employment.
However
, I found myself agreeing with the latter standpoint and
believes
Wrong verb form
believing
show examples
 that some set of employment deserves early
pensions
.
To begin
 with, being in some particular employment is not
facile
Add an article
a facile
show examples
 set of
work
. It requires lots of dedication,
Correct word choice
and persevarances
show examples
persevarances
Correct your spelling
perseverance
 to be in that particular job.
For instance
, being a sportsperson requires immense toil and perspiration. They have to be in good form,
otherwise
, they will be easily replaced by another.
Due to
 faltering growth curves, they are the
one
requires
Correct pronoun usage
who requires
show examples
 early retirement
age
 as they are the
one
 who
imperil
Change the verb form
imperils
show examples
 their entire lifestyle.
Secondly
, some set of jobs requires intense hard
work
 and even there's a risk to
one
's
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
. Another example is of air-pilots,
due to
 excess exposure to radiation during flights there's a restriction to
work
 for only five years. After having excessive training they only get to
work
 for
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 years. In
such
 a scenario, a pilot cannot wait for him to be 65 years old to get his pension. They should get early
pensions
 to keep their lives going on.
Therefore
, I believe that
one
 should get
old aged
Add a hyphen
old-aged
show examples
pensions
 in accordance with the nature of jobs they perform rather than getting
pension
Correct article usage
a pension
show examples
 only after pre-set
age
. Doing so
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 will encourage people to take more adventurous careers so as to get early benefits.
Submitted by simranjeetkaur.86.68 on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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