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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
#show #percentage #time #adults #activities #country #summarise #information #features #comparisons
These two pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
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 the amount of
time
 spent by people at their productive age. It depicts different activities
were
Correct pronoun usage
that were
show examples
 done in a
a
Remove the redundancy
apply
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country in 1958 and 2008. In general, employed adults spent
the
Correct article usage
apply
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most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
 working in both
period
Change to a plural noun
periods
show examples
. Meanwhile, travelling to work took the least of their
time
 in 1958
then
 it shifted to go out with their friends and family in
the
Change the article
apply
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2008. In the first period, almost of third of the
day
 was spent
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working (33%) and slightly less
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sleeping (32%). Going out with friends and family came up with 19% of the
time
.
Hence
, all of the other activities combined took 16% of the
day
. 50 years later, the percentage of
time
 in going to work increased by 9% which makes it almost half of the
day
whereas
 sleeping decreased to 25% of the
day
. There is a significant
different
Replace the word
difference
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
time
 people allocated
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 going out. It dropped from 19% to 6%.
In contrast
, the
time
 of relaxing at home increased by 5% from 1958.
Submitted by sarasaur.sq on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, day with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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