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Band 4

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
There have been controversial debates on whether brutality from
media
 and computer games
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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society adversely. In
this
 essay, I am going to elucidate that there are factors
should
Correct pronoun usage
that should
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 be considered to prevent violence. It is widely believed that
media
 and computer games have
a negative effects
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a negative effect
negative effects
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 on the society.
To begin
 with, some television shows
such
 as
wresting
Correct your spelling
wrestling
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 or action
movie
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movies
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 were first produced to act as
an entertaining methods
Correct the article-noun agreement
an entertaining method
entertaining methods
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 for
cititzens
Correct your spelling
citizens
 during their past times. As time goes by, young
people
 tend to imitate the movement of the wrestler at home, or they might have
a
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the
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 desire to experience the speed as the actor in Fast and
Furios
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Furious
 did.
As a result
, numerous cases of injury from dislocated
joint
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joints
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 to traffic
accident
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accidents
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 have been reported to the authority. Another case of
GTA
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the GTA
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 franchise
where
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is where
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 players immerse themselves in covert activities
such
 as
commiting
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committing
commuting
 a bank robbery or attempting murder in order to complete a mission. These may
instill
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instil
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 a false sense of
reality
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the reality
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of
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in
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 the world they are living in and make them go down the criminal path.
However
, I
belive
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believe
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 that there are other factors that could affect an individual's
behaviors
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behaviours
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 and if they are not put under
well
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good
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 consideration, detrimental influences could stem from them. The first aspect is social
media
. With the advance of
digital
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the digital
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 era, smartphones with social
media
 platforms play an
indispensible
Correct your spelling
indispensable
 part
of
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in
show examples
human's
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human
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 life.
People
,
espeacially
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especially
 the young generations, are fed with numerous content these days. Most of the videos or images are not suitable for viewers, some might be made by individuals who lead a criminal life;
therefore
, the youth might listen to their philosophy and idolize them, thereby having a chance to turn a criminal life.
Furthermore
, education plays a key factor
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 children's
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
. There have been several cases of school
shootout
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shootouts
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, a result action of individuals who suffer from social isolation and lack of social sympathy. Had the school and institution's authority paid more attention, solutions would have been taken to mitigate the problem. In conclusion,
while
 many
people
 argue that television and video games affect
on
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apply
show examples
people
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people's
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, I would contend that there
more
Add a missing verb
are more
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 aspects
should
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that should
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 be put a heavier emphasis
such
 as social
media
restriction
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restrictions
show examples
 and school's ways of controlling students.
Submitted by trancaomaitrang on

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Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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