IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
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There have been controversial debates on whether brutality from
media
Use synonyms
 and computer games
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society adversely. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to elucidate that there are factors
should
Correct pronoun usage
that should
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 be considered to prevent violence. It is widely believed that
media
Use synonyms
 and computer games have
a negative effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
a negative effect
negative effects
show examples
 on the society.
To begin
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 with, some television shows
such
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 as
wresting
Correct your spelling
wrestling
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 or action
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
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 were first produced to act as
an entertaining methods
Correct the article-noun agreement
an entertaining method
entertaining methods
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 for
cititzens
Correct your spelling
citizens
 during their past times. As time goes by, young
people
Use synonyms
 tend to imitate the movement of the wrestler at home, or they might have
a
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the
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 desire to experience the speed as the actor in Fast and
Furios
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Furious
 did.
As a result
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, numerous cases of injury from dislocated
joint
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joints
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 to traffic
accident
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accidents
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 have been reported to the authority. Another case of
GTA
Correct article usage
the GTA
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 franchise
where
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is where
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 players immerse themselves in covert activities
such
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 as
commiting
Correct your spelling
committing
commuting
 a bank robbery or attempting murder in order to complete a mission. These may
instill
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instil
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 a false sense of
reality
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the reality
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of
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in
show examples
 the world they are living in and make them go down the criminal path.
However
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, I
belive
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believe
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 that there are other factors that could affect an individual's
behaviors
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behaviours
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 and if they are not put under
well
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good
show examples
 consideration, detrimental influences could stem from them. The first aspect is social
media
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. With the advance of
digital
Add an article
the digital
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 era, smartphones with social
media
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 platforms play an
indispensible
Correct your spelling
indispensable
 part
of
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in
show examples
human's
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human
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 life.
People
Use synonyms
,
espeacially
Correct your spelling
especially
 the young generations, are fed with numerous content these days. Most of the videos or images are not suitable for viewers, some might be made by individuals who lead a criminal life;
therefore
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, the youth might listen to their philosophy and idolize them, thereby having a chance to turn a criminal life.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, education plays a key factor
on
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in
show examples
 children's
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
. There have been several cases of school
shootout
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shootouts
show examples
, a result action of individuals who suffer from social isolation and lack of social sympathy. Had the school and institution's authority paid more attention, solutions would have been taken to mitigate the problem. In conclusion,
while
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 many
people
Use synonyms
 argue that television and video games affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, I would contend that there
more
Add a missing verb
are more
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 aspects
should
Correct pronoun usage
that should
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 be put a heavier emphasis
such
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 as social
media
Use synonyms
restriction
Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
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 and school's ways of controlling students.
Submitted by trancaomaitrang on

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Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
What to do next:
Look at other essays: