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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in billions) of telephone calls in UK, divided into three categories, from 1995 – 2002.

The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in billions) of telephone calls in UK, divided into three categories, from 1995 – 2002.
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As is presented in the
diagram
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 gives us information about cellphone calls in the UK with the total number of minutes in billions which are divided into 3
categories
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: 1) Local – fixed
line
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; 2) National and international – fixed
line
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; 3) Mobiles (all calls), over a
period
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 of 7 years between 1995-2002. It is clear from the
diagram
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, that in 1995 these 3
categories
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 are presented with the least indicator
such
Linking Words
 as mobiles with over 3 per
cent
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, national and international – fixed
line
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as well as
Linking Words
 over 37 per
cent
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, and it is obvious from the
diagram
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 that these 2
categories
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 are the lowest indicators during
these 7 years
Change the determiner
this 7 years period
these 7 years periods
show examples
period
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 and the
last
Linking Words
 category local fixed
line
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 belongs with over 72% which
equal
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equates
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 to indicator in 2002. In the
last
Linking Words
 year of
this
Linking Words
period
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, as the
diagram
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suggest
Change the verb form
suggests
show examples
 these 2
categories
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 grew up by
this
Linking Words
period
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.
Mobiles
Replace the word
Mobile
show examples
 indicator
equal
Add a missing verb
is equal
show examples
 to 45 per
cent
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, and
national
Correct article usage
the national
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 and international – fixed
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line
Fix the agreement mistake
lines
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 equal to 61 per
cent
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. The highest indicators during these years
resides
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reside
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2002.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words diagram, categories, line, period, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "diagram" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "presented" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • total number
  • minutes
  • telephone calls
  • UK
  • divided into
  • categories
  • from
  • to
  • overall
  • increased significantly
  • local fixed-line calls
  • accounted for
  • largest proportion
  • throughout
  • period
  • international calls
  • highest rate of growth
  • experiencing
  • sharp increase
  • national long-distance calls
  • remained relatively stable
  • slight decline
  • towards
  • end
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