IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
Nowadays, a vast majority of people consider that the roughness
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 television and
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
computer
games
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a negative impact on society rather than a positive effect on their habits. I firmly agreed with the former view, which will discuss in the following paragraphs.
To begin
 with, it has been considered by some groups of people that the brutality of
TV
 and
computer
games
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 increased significantly, which is affecting our state very badly.
For instance
, nowadays
TV
 and
computer
 are available in everyone's house and there are a lot of
TV
Change to a plural noun
tvs
show examples
 channels, which offer various types of entertaining shows, movies and other activities. Some of the
TV
 shows and films are extremely affecting our society negatively since they present pornographic scenes and advertisements. There are a lot of
TV
 programmes which can not be watched with your family so some adults are watching with their friends and adopting bad habits.
In addition
,
computer
games
 are very famous ,especially among kids and adults. At present, they are always into computers and
games
. To illustrate, the
games
 are just a programme, where the user can create their own user id and can play. Some study shows that millions of kids and adults are playing online
games
 every day. There are thousands of sexual sites or advertisements being played in between your game.
While
 watching
such
 kind of erotic scenes their mind can be diverted to negativity since their brain and thoughts are very sensitive. If
such
 types of activity distract their mind and route them to negativity
then
 it leads to a very dangerous path, which can never be changed.
To conclude
, the way use of television and
computer
 are increasing in the same way it is violating and damaging our state significantly.
Therefore
, both lawmakers and public representatives should consider
this
 issue as a top priority basis and put a plan instantly to protect our society from being damaged.
Submitted by Shiba Kc on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
What to do next:
Look at other essays: