IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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A significant change has been observed in the conditions of females for many years in many societies.
However
Linking Words
, equality of
gender
Use synonyms
 seems hardly to be claimed in these societies. Undoubtedly, a change in the
position
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 of a
woman
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 cannot be ignored,
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
Linking Words
nevertheless
Add a comma
nevertheless,
show examples
gender
Use synonyms
 disparity has not been removed still.
Women
Use synonyms
 are respected in today's world as in the past since they are being educated, employed and awarded. Girls have raised their
position
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 like
men
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 as they go
for earning
Change preposition
to earn
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 money. The more they
are achieving
Wrong verb form
achieve
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 education, the more they are awarded
towards
Change preposition
apply
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their rights which leads to a respected situation
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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in society. What is more, unlike uneducated previous females, today's girl does not only work at home but
also
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 does not keep silent against violence
on
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apply
show examples
her
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Consequently
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,
this
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 has improved the
position
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 of a
woman
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. Paradoxically,
instead
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 of having a better
position
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 in society,
women
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 are not treated equally like a man. Being a
woman
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, she has to perform all the responsibilities including care of a baby, and domestic work even though she comes from a job which shows that there is no
gender
Use synonyms
 equality in society.
For example
Linking Words
, a report from
Sample
Correct article usage
the Sample
show examples
 Survey Office in Delhi in 2021 shows that 20% more
women
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 than
men
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 are living under pressure and facing health problems
due to
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 work-load.
Additionally
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, the profound influence of a man's decision on a
woman
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 is not ignorable. Unfortunately,
women
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 cannot do any job if they are not allowed.
Men
Use synonyms
's opinions are given priority. In conclusion,
although
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 the
position
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 of
women
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 goes through many changes over many years, they are still treated differently than
men
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.
Gender
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 equality is likely to be achieved when more education and facilities
would be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 provided to
women
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents some relevant ideas. However, it would benefit from a more balanced argument and clearer development of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, but the development of main points lacks coherence and organization. Use transition words and logical progression of ideas to improve coherence and cohesion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender equality
  • historical context
  • gender pay gap
  • underrepresentation
  • leadership roles
  • gender-based violence
  • educational opportunities
  • workforce
  • legal reforms
  • statistics
  • case studies
  • global perspective
  • progressive changes
  • cultural differences
  • empowerment
  • patriarchy
  • systemic discrimination
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