IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#position #women #societies #years #gender #equality
A significant change has been observed in the conditions of females for many years in many societies.
However
, equality of
gender
 seems hardly to be claimed in these societies. Undoubtedly, a change in the
position
 of a
woman
 cannot be ignored,
,
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nevertheless
Add a comma
nevertheless,
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gender
 disparity has not been removed still.
Women
 are respected in today's world as in the past since they are being educated, employed and awarded. Girls have raised their
position
 like
men
 as they go
for earning
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to earn
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 money. The more they
are achieving
Wrong verb form
achieve
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 education, the more they are awarded
towards
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their rights which leads to a respected situation
of
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apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
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in society. What is more, unlike uneducated previous females, today's girl does not only work at home but
also
 does not keep silent against violence
on
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her
Correct pronoun usage
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.
Consequently
,
this
 has improved the
position
 of a
woman
. Paradoxically,
instead
 of having a better
position
 in society,
women
 are not treated equally like a man. Being a
woman
, she has to perform all the responsibilities including care of a baby, and domestic work even though she comes from a job which shows that there is no
gender
 equality in society.
For example
, a report from
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Correct article usage
the Sample
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 Survey Office in Delhi in 2021 shows that 20% more
women
 than
men
 are living under pressure and facing health problems
due to
 work-load.
Additionally
, the profound influence of a man's decision on a
woman
 is not ignorable. Unfortunately,
women
 cannot do any job if they are not allowed.
Men
's opinions are given priority. In conclusion,
although
 the
position
 of
women
 goes through many changes over many years, they are still treated differently than
men
.
Gender
 equality is likely to be achieved when more education and facilities
would be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 provided to
women
.
Submitted by kk9969840 on

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task response
Your essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents some relevant ideas. However, it would benefit from a more balanced argument and clearer development of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly presented, but the development of main points lacks coherence and organization. Use transition words and logical progression of ideas to improve coherence and cohesion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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