IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

The proportion of income adults and children spent on 4 common items in the UK in 1998.

#proportion #income #adults #children #items #uk
The table illustrates how much money was spent in the UK in 1998 on four common items by teenagers and
adults
 compared to their income.
Overall
,
adults
 spent more money on food,
while
 it was
least
Correct article usage
the least
show examples
 popular
items
Fix the agreement mistake
item
show examples
 for
children
. Young people spent more on music,
whereas
 for
adults
 it was only the second highest expense. Videos were the least popular items for both groups. In terms of food,
adults
 spent a quarter of their income.
Furthermore
, men and women spent 14% and 39% respectively,
while
children
 spent around a tenth (9% for boys and 11% for girls).
On the other hand
, music was a completely dominant expense for
children
 with 39% of their income,
whereas
adults
 spent only 5%. Videos were the least popular for both groups,
adults
 and
children
 spent 1% and 12% respectively.
Besides
this
, videos are more popular between men and boys. Electronic equipment was not really popular for
adults
 with only 5% spent,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
children
 spent 23% on
this
.
Submitted by s_syedy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction & Conclusion
Your introduction succinctly presents the essay topic but could be enhanced by directly mentioning that you will compare spending habits between adults and children for clarity.
Data Representation
When introducing percentages and statistics, ensure you clarify whether you're discussing the data for adults or children first to maintain clarity throughout the essay.
Conclusion
For a more robust conclusion, try summarizing the key findings or indicating the significance of the differences in spending habits between adults and children.
Coherence & Cohesion
Including transitions and connectors such as 'however', 'on the other hand', and 'moreover' improves the flow and coherence between your points.
Logical Structure
Effectively organized paragraphs that compare spending habits between adults and children.
Supported Main Points
You were able to provide specific examples and percentages to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
Clear & Comprehensive Ideas
The essay gives a clear comparison between the spending habits, successfully showing differences in preferences between adults and children across the categories.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!