IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
The bar chart is
statistical
Correct article usage
a statistical
show examples
represetation
Correct your spelling
representation
representations
, of Regular physical activity in 2010 done by different
age
 groups of Australian
men
 and
women
.
Overall
,
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
 more participation in regular physical activity in the 45 to 54
age
bracket
on the other hand
 in the 15 to 24
age
group
heighest
Correct your spelling
highest
men
Correct quantifier usage
number of men
show examples
 are participate.
noteably
Correct your spelling
notably
 that a higher percentage of
women
 than
men
 exercised in all types of
age
 groups. 47.7%
females
Change preposition
of females
show examples
 perform exercise in
lowest
Add an article
the lowest
show examples
age
bracket
 . The participants increased gradually increased with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
age
 and reach its peak
53.3
Change preposition
of 53.3
show examples
%
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the 45 to 54
age
group
. Above that it started to drop off. In the
heighest
Correct your spelling
highest
age
group
Add a comma
,group
show examples
 only 47.1%
women
Change preposition
of women
show examples
 left who
exercising
Wrong verb form
exercised
show examples
 regularly. Male Participants are highest in the lowest
Age
 which is 52.8%. The gradually decrease
till
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the 35 to 44
age
bracket
 which is
also
lowest
Add an article
the lowest
show examples
 percentage of
men
 only 39.5%. than increase a little bit by increasing the
age
 and reach 47.1% in
65
Correct article usage
the 65
show examples
 and above
age
bracket
.
This
 rate is very close to that of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in the same
age
group
.
Submitted by chzeeshan1322 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 82%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, men, women, bracket, group with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 2 times.
▼

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
What to do next:
Look at other essays: