IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an early age. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension
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Some sections of society believe that it is not fair to set
retirement
Correct article usage
a retirement
show examples
age
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as 65
years
Use synonyms
. They think that some parts of
workers
Use synonyms
 are allowed to dismiss their jobs and get a
pension
Use synonyms
 earlier. I disagree with the statement since individuals nowadays are required to
work
Use synonyms
 for a long time and early retirement may cause financial issues.
Firstly
Linking Words
, employees need to
work
Use synonyms
 after 60
years
Use synonyms
 old because of population decline and medical development. In the case of Japan, the population is decreasing and the number of
workers
Use synonyms
 is lacking. To deal with
this
Linking Words
 situation, elderly staff must be engaged in their professions until they reach 65
years
Use synonyms
 old, and they should compensate for the lack of
workers
Use synonyms
. Aside from that, thanks to the improvement
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the level of medicine, they are able to stay more healthy than in the past. It may not be tough for them to do their jobs after 60
years
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, a
pension
Use synonyms
 is limited so financial problems may
be occurred
Change to the active voice
occur
have occurred
show examples
. People who retire at an earlier
age
Use synonyms
 are supposed to receive more pensions than those who continue to
work
Use synonyms
 until
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
retirement
age
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, the government are forced to provide more money for the elderly people.
However
Linking Words
, governments in some countries cannot raise money for a
pension
Use synonyms
 from
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 for many reasons.
Therefore
Linking Words
, if some people start to quit their jobs early, the government will have financial difficulty. In conclusion, someone argues that certain
workers
Use synonyms
 should retire and get a
pension
Use synonyms
 at an early
age
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, I’m against
this
Linking Words
 statement as the necessity to
work
Use synonyms
 long and the financial problems.
Submitted by hamuami116 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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