IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

1.) Some people think that having a set retirement age (eg. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that a certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement

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It was taught by certain people that the
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 should be equal for everyone without considering the different types of occupations and pensions
should be
Verb problem
apply
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for some workers at an earlier
age
Use synonyms
. In my opinion. I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.
In addition
Linking Words
, I opine that high-risk jobs and volunteers are supposed to get benefits from early
retirement
Use synonyms
. First of all, despite its
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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 and importance, each job’s
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 should be decided depending on different kinds of risks and how much effort it takes to
become
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 these careers.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, risky and hard jobs will not be given justice in their working life.
For example
Linking Words
, a petrochemical worker who works with dangerous gases should get an earlier
retirement
Use synonyms
, compared to a teacher whose job
was
Wrong verb form
is
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 to take a lower risk and easier to be. The elders who have more experience than the rookies are still necessary in every industry.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the more
age
Use synonyms
 affects their working abilities. Should some careers become older, these workers will lead to several problems in their working process
as well as
Linking Words
 the company itself, including society.
For instance
Linking Words
, An ageing bus driver whose awareness of safety on the road is a must during his working hours may suffer an accident, which brings about not only a mistake but a possible death
Rephrase
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
.
However
Linking Words
, even though every job should get welfare from early
retirement
Use synonyms
, a higher-risk career who has been working in danger should benefit from the organization significantly. Or else, no one wants to be a high-risk worker because the reward
does
Verb problem
is
show examples
 not worth the danger. For another instance.
Solider
Correct your spelling
Soliders
 and police have been taking a number of unpredictable situations that can steal their soul. Nowadays, most governments in the world established a provident fund for the working class,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, these prizes haven’t been given to a volunteer to improve our world. It isn’t fair.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the Senate which is the place of representative citizens is supposed to design or revise the equitable law.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 topic, because suitable time not only depends on
age
Use synonyms
 but is supposed to rely on risk and hardness, including workability.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, high-risk jobs and volunteers should
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefit from their organization outstanding.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your introduction should introduce the topic and clearly state your position, while your conclusion should summarize the main points of the essay without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
Develop your main points further with relevant examples and explanations to support your argument. Each paragraph should elaborate on a single main idea with clear and pertinent examples that effectively back up your points.
lexical resource
Use a broader range of vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely. Avoid repetition of words and try to use synonyms to demonstrate lexical resource. Employing complex and less common vocabulary can enrich your essay.
grammatical range
Use a variety of sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical range and accuracy. This includes mixing simple and complex sentence constructions. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and punctuation to improve the overall grammatical quality of your writing.
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