IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for a child's mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child #health
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Present day ,
technology
Use synonyms
 has increased among certain demographics of society. These people claim that
children
Use synonyms
 are more addicted to entertainment as
such
Linking Words
 is preventable.
However
Linking Words
, raising issues seem to continuously loom over these prospects, which will be discussed below, and I will offer my views on whether it the acceptable or not.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, parents have been wary of raising their
children
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they say,
technology
Use synonyms
 like television and video games
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lead to health issues
such
Linking Words
 as mental illness, depression and stress.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in
sophisticated
Add an article
a sophisticated
show examples
 world,
every one
Replace the word
everyone
show examples
 has a device for their education purpose.
Due to
Linking Words
 that ,
children
Use synonyms
 become addicted to video games and other entertainment programs which
are consistently play
Change the verb form
are consistently played
show examples
 on television. These are some
recorded
Replace the word
records
show examples
, child health
center
Fix the agreement mistake
centers
show examples
 say nowadays, more people are using media
more
Change preposition
for more
show examples
 than 10 hours.
Thus
Linking Words
, they are affected by mental disorders. That means
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
show examples
 to play
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 or
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 television every day
otherwise
Linking Words
 they cannot behave properly
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
overall
Linking Words
, parents should take
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
responsibility and make a rule against their
addicted
Replace the word
addictive
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
,
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
Use synonyms
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 by poor concentration at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 detrimental
lead
Fix the agreement mistake
leads
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
lots of difficulties
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their education.
For instance
Linking Words
, if pupil
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 a movie every day, they do not have enough time
for finishing
Change preposition
to finish
show examples
 their homework
as well
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
while
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they
playing
Change the form of the verb
play
show examples
 games
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 night time without adequate sleep, they can not focus on
studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
show examples
 in morning classes.
Thus
Linking Words
, these unnecessary
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 make a child underestimate themselves rather than others.
Finally
Linking Words
,
over usage
Correct your spelling
overuse
show examples
 of media
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to poor concentration on education.
To conclude
Linking Words
, growing
technology
Use synonyms
 is essential for future
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, in my opinion, unnecessary additions
are make
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a detrimental effect
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should create awareness programs
fo
Correct your spelling
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
about
show examples
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
 of entertainment events.
Submitted by krishmahendran19 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that your ideas are directly relevant to the task question. Develop your ideas in a clear and relevant manner, providing comprehensive arguments and examples.
coherence and cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas and arguments in a more logical and coherent structure. Ensure that each paragraph and idea is linked in a cohesive manner.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: