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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar graph provides the regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
 rates between the different
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 who lived in Australia in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, Both
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 experienced
downward
Correct article usage
a downward
show examples
 trend throughout the
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
. The regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
 rates had some fluctuations
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 both male and female
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 young
men
Use synonyms
 did regular
physical
Fix the agreement mistake
physicals
show examples
 than
women
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
some
Correct your spelling
same
show examples
age
Use synonyms
,
women
Use synonyms
 outraced
men
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
elder
Correct your spelling
older
show examples
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
. The male regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
 was about 52.8% in
age
Use synonyms
 15-24, being higher than female 5.1%.
Then
Linking Words
 it decreased
about
Change preposition
by about
show examples
 10.6 % and 2.7%
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 25 to 34 and 35 to 44 respectively.
However
Linking Words
, the percentage of
australian
Change the capitalization
Australian
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 climbed up again
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and continued to grow
slighly
Correct your spelling
slightly
 until
age
Use synonyms
 65 and over, reaching 46.7% and hitting
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the lowest point of
this
Linking Words
 bar graph. The female
australian
Change the capitalization
Australian
show examples
 from
age
Use synonyms
 15 to 24 did regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
 about 47.7%. The figure showed a gradual increase
about
Change preposition
of about
show examples
 1.2% in the
age
Use synonyms
 25 to 37.
As well as
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 35 to 44 and 45 to 54 ,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
did regular physical
activity
Use synonyms
 more than the young
age
Use synonyms
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 about 52.5% and 53.3%.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 the group of
women
Use synonyms
 whose
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 were between 55 to 64 did less general physical
activity
Use synonyms
,
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
at 53%.
Then
Linking Words
figure
Correct article usage
the figure
show examples
 showed a drop to 47.1%
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
women
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 65 and above, outracing the rate of
Use synonyms
men
Correct article usage
the men
show examples
 group.
Submitted by Kthedprom on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words activity, age, groups, men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Australian men
  • Australian women
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participated
  • Increased
  • Decreased
  • Proportion
  • Physically active
  • Gender difference
  • Engaged
  • Exercise
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