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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Children of ages 7-11 now spend more time watching television and/or playing video games than before. What are the effects of this on children, family and society? What are the possible solutions to this situation

#children #ages #time #television #video #games #effects #society #situation
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Nowadays, pre-teens spend more
hours
Use synonyms
 searching for
TV
Use synonyms
 programs or playing online
video
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games
Use synonyms
 than before. The primary effects are that many
children
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 might become obese and
this
Linking Words
 increases the lack of communication between family members. The most viable solutions are setting
Use synonyms
time
Add an article
a time
show examples
 limit to play
video
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games
Use synonyms
 and setting family physical activities during the weekdays. One of the effects is that many of these
children
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 might become obese
due to
Linking Words
 not moving around for long periods of
time
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, so they tend to easily gain weight.
Firstly
Linking Words
, watching too many
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Tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 programs leads to
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a sedentary life, so some of these kids tend to eat when they are watching the
TV
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. Another effect is that these kids choose to not talk with their family
memebers
Correct your spelling
members
 because they are too busy
playign
Correct your spelling
playing
video
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games
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 online, so they avoid any type of
interruptions
Fix the agreement mistake
interruption
show examples
 like talking with other people. On top of
this
Linking Words
, sometimes they text to communicate with their parents,
sot hey
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so they
show examples
 do not have to stop playing and search for people.
For instance
Linking Words
, in The USA, a
recetn
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recent
 study shows that the average
hours
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 for
children
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playign
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playing
video
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games
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 is seven to twelve
hours
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, and many of them suffer from obesity. One of the possible solutions to
this
Linking Words
 situation is that parents need to set
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time
Add an article
a time
show examples
 limit when
children
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 are playing
video
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games
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.
This
Linking Words
 might help them to be conscious about the
time
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 and avoid being
addictive
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addicted
show examples
 to it. Another solution is that adults need to set physical activities during the weekdays like
go
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 for a walk or playing any physical activity in the park, so
this
Linking Words
 might help them to interact as a family team. To illustrate, in California, there are many free programs that include activities
such
Linking Words
 as football
socer
Correct your spelling
soccer
, basketball and skating, so
children
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 might be interested in
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 any of these sports. In conclusion, today, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Add an article
the children
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 spend several
hours
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 during
a
Correct article usage
the
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 day playing
video
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games
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 or watching
TV
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progams
Correct your spelling
programmes
 and these lead s to several effects
such
Linking Words
 as
seffering
Correct your spelling
suffering
 from
obese
Replace the word
obesity
show examples
 and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of communication skills;
however
Linking Words
, some of the solutions are to set
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time
Add an article
a time
show examples
 limit for playing
video
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games
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 and practice any type of physical sport.
Submitted by cuevas14dic on

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task response
Your essay is well-structured and has a clear introduction and conclusion. The main points are supported and relevant examples are given. However, there is room for improvement in presenting a more clear and comprehensive response to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a logical structure and clear coherence in the presentation of ideas. However, some of the ideas could be connected more effectively to improve overall coherence and cohesion in the essay.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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