IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The graph illustrates the proportion of
men
 and
women
 in various
age
 groups performing
exercise
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 daily routine in Australia in 2010.
Overall
, we observe between the
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 of 15 and 24, the percentage of
men
 performing physical activity is higher than
women
.
However
, ladies of
age
 25 and higher were found more active in
exercise
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
males.
To begin
 with, we see 52.8% of boys
aging
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 15 to 24 were exercising regularly.
While
 with the increase in
age
Add a comma
,age
show examples
 the ratio of their activity
reduces
Wrong verb form
reduced
show examples
 i.e., for
25
Correct article usage
the 25
show examples
 to 34
age
 group it reduced to 42.2%, citizens that
lied
Replace the word
lay
show examples
 between 35 and 44, only 39.54% of them
were involve
Change the verb form
were involved
show examples
 in fitness.
Nevertheless
,
age
Change preposition
in age
show examples
 groups from 45 to 54, 55 to 64 and 65 onwards, people
exercise
 on
regular
Correct article usage
a regular
show examples
 basis increased, which was 43.1%, 45.1% and 46.7% respectively. In comparison, looking at
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 regular routine,
age
 group of 15 – 24 only 47.7% were doing
exercise
.
Whereas
 with the rise in
age
,
women
 were found more active in
exercise
.
Age
Wrong verb form
Aged
show examples
 25 to 34, the proportion of their
exercise
 was almost 6 percent higher.
Furthermore
, individuals
of
Change preposition
aged
show examples
age
 35 to 44
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 a difference of nearly 12% by performing more health activities
to
Change preposition
than
show examples
men
.
Lastly
,
men
Correct article usage
the men
show examples
 and
women
 ratio
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 found equal when they are
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
age
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
65 or older.
Submitted by khannaughty26 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, age, exercise with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reduces" was used 2 times.
▼

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Australian men
  • Australian women
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participated
  • Increased
  • Decreased
  • Proportion
  • Physically active
  • Gender difference
  • Engaged
  • Exercise
What to do next:
Look at other essays: