IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

For many young people today, shopping is their favourite free time activity. Why do you think this has happened? Should young people be encouraged to do different activities in their free time?

#people #favourite #time #activity #activities
Shopping used to be an activity limited to only those who
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 able to afford it financially. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
progress
Correct subject-verb agreement
progresses
show examples
, more and more young
people
 enjoy spending their free
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
shopping. A major contributor to
this
 trend is the advancement of internet technology and personally, I am of the belief that young
people
 should be encouraged to explore different
activities
 in their free
time
.
Internet
Add an article
The Internet
show examples
 has transformed our lives in many ways. One of
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 is the rise of social media. Young
people
 generally spend hours on social media and a lot of companies advertise heavily on these websites in order to attract potential customers.
Many
Correct quantifier usage
Much
show examples
 of the
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 posted online
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 to attract
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
potential buyers. Under the influence of these contents, young
people
 feel they “want” the product and make
purchase
Fix the agreement mistake
purchases
show examples
subsequently
.
In addition
, shopping can be done effortlessly online by clicking a few buttons on our smartphone and the items will be delivered to our doorstep.
This
 complements the online experience as young
people
 are able to watch the product advertised and purchase it immediately. In my opinion, young
people
 ought to do other
activities
 that are beneficial for themselves during
pastime
Correct article usage
the pastime
show examples
. Spending
time
 on
activities
 that
allows
Correct subject-verb agreement
allow
show examples
 one to gain more knowledge helps vastly in terms of personal growth compared to shopping.
For example
, reading widens one’s horizon and enhances vocabulary.
In addition
, young
people
 are mostly at the stage of
self exploration
Add a hyphen
self-exploration
show examples
,
hence
, they should do different
activities
 that will help them to discover their passion.
This
 is rather important as finding what they truly enjoy doing increases their
overall
 life satisfaction as well.
To conclude
, shopping should be done on
on-need
Correct article usage
an on-need
show examples
 basis only rather
as
Correct word choice
than as
show examples
 a way of spending
time
. With
bright
Correct article usage
a bright
show examples
 future ahead of them, young
people
 should cultivate different hobbies that will enhance their life and focus on self-growth.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: