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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph below gives information about the percentage of women aged 15-64 in employment between 2003 and 2009.

The line graph below gives information about the percentage of women aged 15-64 in employment between 2003 and 2009.
#line #information #percentage #women #employment
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The line graph shows, the proportion of
femail
Correct your spelling
females
 aged between 15 and 64 in
employment
Use synonyms
 from 2003 to 2009 in five countries( Iceland-Canads-Germany-China and
Turkey
Use synonyms
).
Overall
Linking Words
, The highest proportion
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
employment
Use synonyms
 was in Iceland,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest was in
Turkey
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Germany and China illustrate
Correct article usage
an increased
show examples
increased
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 in
employment
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 Iceland decreased.
In addition
Linking Words
, Canada
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
 almost no
changed
Replace the word
change
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the period given. In terms of
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of women in
employment
Use synonyms
,
Turkey
Use synonyms
 was
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the highest in 2003 at
aroun
Correct your spelling
around
 80% before
decreased
Wrong verb form
decreasing
show examples
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 around 78% in 2009. Canada, comes in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second,
Linking Words
at around 68% at the beginning of the period given and
remain
Correct subject-verb agreement
remains
show examples
 stable to the end. Germany was the
third,
Linking Words
at around 58% and
shows
Wrong verb form
showed
show examples
Correct article usage
a slightly
show examples
slightly
Change the word
slight
show examples
 rise from 2003 to 2009 to reach almost 61%. China started at around 35% and increased in 2005 to almost 39% and
show
Wrong verb form
showed
show examples
insignificant
Add an article
an insignificant
show examples
 increase
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 1% in 2009.
Finally
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
Turkey
Change preposition
in Turkey
show examples
, It was fluctuated between 20% and 25%.
Submitted by halah.z.alamri on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words employment, turkey with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 4 times.
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