IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The most essential component of a person's life is his or her time at the workplace, and life turns meaningless once no job satisfaction is obtained. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#component #person #life #time #workplace #job #satisfaction
The increasingly specialised nature of today’s
jobs
 could be said to have created many
jobs
 that provide little satisfaction -
while
 some argue that
job
 satisfaction is not necessary, since people can find meaning in other things, there are those who contend that people not
finding
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
 joy in their
jobs
 will inevitably fall into nihilism. I agree with the latter opinion
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and believe that finding a
job
 one likes is essential to living a meaningful life. On the one hand, there are those who believe that for some, working
jobs
 that they do not necessarily enjoy provides them the opportunity to provide for their children. A boring but
high paying
Add a hyphen
high-paying
show examples
job
 may be able to provide for a child’s education, housing and more, and the alternative of starvation would be much less meaningful.
Thus
,
although
 they might not find meaning in their
job
, it might feel fulfilling enough for them that their life has meaning because they are living for a cause bigger than themselves.
This
 is why many individuals,
for instance
, continue to do menial
jobs
 that they
nonetheless
 do not find meaningful,
instead
 of simply quitting.
On the other hand
, I argue that since we spend most of our adult lives at work, it is imperative that we spend that time enjoying what we do.
This
 is because an unenjoyable
job
 can bleed into other areas of our lives - if we come from work frustrated, we are more prone to taking it out on our children or our partners.
Moreover
, a stressful and unsatisfying
job
 might
also
 affect one’s health and diminish the ability to enjoy things.
This
 means that in the end, we not only have little joy in working, but
also
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
 areas of life as well.
Thus
, I conclude that
while
 it is understandable that many have to work
jobs
 that give them no joy, I still
nonetheless
 argue that doing so
in the long run
Add the comma(s)
, in the long run,
show examples
 will result in moral nihilism and harm others.
Submitted by nguyenlyacbd on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The introduction could be more engaging and provide a clear statement of the writer's position.
task achievement
Consider providing more examples or evidence to support the arguments made.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that ideas are logically organized and connected throughout the essay.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary throughout the essay.
grammatical range accuracy
Review the use of tenses to improve grammatical accuracy.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: