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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

21.The bar chart below shows the percentages of three groups of Japanese children taking part in four kinds of activities in 2018. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

21.The bar chart below shows the percentages of three groups of Japanese children taking part in four kinds of activities in 2018. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
#bar #percentages #three #groups #japanese #children #part #four #kinds #activities #information #features #comparisons
The bar graph displays the different age ranges of Japanese children
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
ride
Wrong verb form
rode
show examples
bike
Fix the agreement mistake
bikes
show examples
,
play
Wrong verb form
played
show examples
computer
games
, read and
watch
Wrong verb form
watched
show examples
TV
 in 2018.
Overall
, watching
TV
 had a greater proportion than any other activity, followed by reading and riding
bike
Add an article
a bike
show examples
,
while
 playing
computer
games
 had the lowest percentage.
Kids
Change preposition
For kids
show examples
 from 5 to 8 years old, the activity that they did the most was watching
TV
, with a proportion of 92%,
while
 the rest of the activities have a similar percentage; reading with approximately 63%, riding bikes with just 1% less than reading and three-fifth of children play
computer
games
.
Children
Change preposition
For children
show examples
 in the age range of 9 to 11, the activity that they liked the most was watching
TV
, with a portion of
four-fifth
Fix the agreement mistake
four-fifths
show examples
, followed by reading with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
70% and
then
 riding
bike
Add an article
a bike
show examples
 with just above 60%,
lastly
 are
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
computer
games
 with nearly 58%.
Furthermore
, a little above 80% of people from 12 to 16 rode bikes, 80% watched television and
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
10%
less
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
reads
Correct subject-verb agreement
read
show examples
.
Finally
, only
two-fifth
Correct your spelling
two-fifths
show examples
 of individuals from 12 to 16 played
computer
games
.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words computer, games, tv with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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