The bar charts below show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015.

The bar charts below show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015.
The bar
chert
Correct your spelling
chart
show examples
provide
Change the verb form
provides
show examples
information about
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
show examples
of male and female who have work to do it in three different countries in 2005 and 2015.
Overall
the bar chart illustrates that the male percentages are always
more
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
in the
tow
Correct your spelling
two
show examples
years
also
appeared that South
Korea
Correct your spelling
Korean
show examples
employment is the highest . Looking in more detail , in 2005 male percentages
always
Add a missing verb
were always
show examples
more than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
with
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
different
Replace the word
difference
show examples
the Canada proportion for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
was around 38%
while
Add an article
the male
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
was about
about
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
75% . South Korea
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
also
shows
big
Correct article usage
a big
show examples
different
Replace the word
difference
show examples
between male and female the
percentage
were around 75% and 30% for male and female respectively .
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
the
percentage
for Sweden was really a
loot
Correct your spelling
lot
show examples
the
percentage
Change the noun form
percentages
show examples
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
around 45 %
foe
Correct your spelling
for
show examples
female and close to 80% for male .
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
we can conclude that Sweden is the apex
countries
Fix the agreement mistake
country
show examples
in work .
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
the other hand in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
2015
Add a comma
2015,
show examples
the employment rate
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased . The
percentage
foe
Correct your spelling
for
show examples
Canada was 70%
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
contrast
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
2005 was around 60% for
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
also
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
. For South Korea
while
male was around 80% the female was about 35 % . But in
Sweden
Add a comma
Sweden,
show examples
the rate
id
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
clearly
decrease
Change the verb form
decreases
show examples
for
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
contrast
Correct article usage
the contrast
show examples
foe
Correct your spelling
for
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
increased .
Submitted by fatemah221027 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, while".
Introduction: The introduction is missing.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 6 times.
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 5 times.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • bar charts
  • percentages
  • employment
  • countries
  • 2005
  • 2015
  • trends
  • differences
  • changes
  • men
  • women
  • variations
  • patterns
  • significant
  • observations
  • summarize
  • findings
  • predictions
  • future trends
What to do next:
Look at other essays: