IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some employers offer their employees subsidizedmembership of gyms and sport clubs , believe that this will make their staff healthier and more effective at work . Other employees find no benifit doing so. Discuss both views .

#employers #offer #employees #subsidizedmembership #gyms #sport #clubs #staff #work #benifit
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Some
companies
Use synonyms
 offer benefits to their employees,
such
Linking Words
 as vouchers from gyms or
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 clubs, in order to improve their productivity and health,
whereas
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 other
companies
Use synonyms
 believe that there are
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
 benefit
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 doing
this
Linking Words
.
First,
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there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 no doubt that healthier workers can produce more than
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
those
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
 frequently sick.
Moreover
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, healthier employees cost less to the
companies
Use synonyms
 because there is less absenteeism.
Overall
Linking Words
, encouraging the staff to do sports and physical exercises sounds to be a big deal.
However
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, there are many ways to promote
healthier
Add an article
a healthier
show examples
 life for the
work force
Correct your spelling
workforce
show examples
. Some managers prefer to offer subsidized membership of gyms and sports
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 others
finding
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
 other ways to encourage the workers to be healthier, like,
for example
Linking Words
 reducing the working hours, organizing
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 events in
company
Correct article usage
the company
show examples
 or maintaining a permanent labour gymnastics team. Despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
, some managers do not believe that the enterprise should promote it.
These
Change the determiner
This
show examples
 group thinks that paying good salaries is enough to make their staff healthier and more effective.
Thus
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, each employee can choose by themselves the best activity to promote their health and quality of life. I do not agree, because most of
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
, higher salaries imply more responsibility and more stress in everyday activities at work.
And stressful
Correct word choice
Stressful
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 employees mean less productivity and more costs with human resources. In conclusion, the labour force in good conditions of health and goodwill is important for every company, but some
companies
Use synonyms
 prefer investing
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 it,
whereas
Linking Words
 others believe that it is an employee obligation.
Submitted by fmulato on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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