The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.
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The pie charts provide information about the data, which is collected by children's
activities
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. The first graph gives information about educational and ordinary
activities
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, which are taken
a
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apart
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part
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by
boys
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.
On the other hand
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, the other graph illustrates the
activities
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, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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taken by
girls
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.
Overall
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, it can be seen that
boys
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take
Verb problem
play
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a significant
part
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in basketball and computer games,
while
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girls
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prefer to spend their
time
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on
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apply
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reading and dancing.
Also
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, it's important to mention that
"Reading"
Correct article usage
the "Reading"
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activity
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is the most unpopular among the audience, which includes
boys
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,
while
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the most underrated
activity
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among
girls
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is "Listening to Music".
Boys
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audience take
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
part
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in different
activities
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.
However
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, they prefer to spend
their
Change the word
a
show examples
significant
part
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of
free
Correct pronoun usage
their free
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time
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playing basketball (26%) and computer games (34%). The "Soccer"
activity
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is more unpopular compared to
mentioned
Correct article usage
the mentioned
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categories of
activities
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(It takes 17% of all
time
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).
Boys
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pay as
less
Correct word choice
little
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attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
listening
music
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to music
show examples
and skateboarding as soccer, at 10%, 11% and 17% respectively. The most underrated category is "Reading". The audience
spend
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spends
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only 2% of their
time
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on
this
Linking Words
activity
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.
On the other hand
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, it's noticeable that the most popular
activity
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among
girls
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is "Reading" and "Dancing" (they spend 21% and 27% of their free
time
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to
Change preposition
on
show examples
these
activities
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). In second place are "Netball" and "Computer games" (15% and 16% of general
time
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). The most underrated
activities
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are "Gymnastics" and "Listening to music" (the group of people spend only 11% and 10% of their
time
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).
Submitted by fedorusa2016 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "on the other hand, while".
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words activities, part, boys, girls, time, activity with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "information" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • participate
  • percentage
  • gender difference
  • similar participation rates
  • traditional gender roles
  • trends
  • impact
  • parental influence
  • extracurricular activities
  • accessible
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