Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

Nowdays
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
many
people
believe that the
violence
in
computer
games
and on the
television
has a detrimental effect on
society
. Some contend that those factors have no significant impact on
people
’s behaviour. In my opinion, I strongly believe that there is no reason to say
positive
Add an article
the positive
show examples
effect of the
violence
in
computer
games
and on
television
related to
society
or
people
’s behaviour. On one hand,
people
who watch the
violence
in
computer
games
can be led into isolation from the
society
.
People
might be addicted
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
a
game
when they keep their attention on the screen. Even though there is the
violence
in the
computer
games
, many
people
might ignore it. It is because the
game
has
interesting
Add an article
an interesting
show examples
mode which can lead to addiction to the users. An addiction of
this
kind is not healthy and sometimes can lead to isolation.
For example
, when
people
start to try a
game
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
computer
they might want to try again and again because they have a curiosity in it. They want to finish the challenge in the
game
so that
this
condition can make them far away from
society
. In conclusion, even though many
people
think that the
violence
of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computer
games
and
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television
is not affect
Change the verb form
does not affect
show examples
people
’s behaviour, there are many proofs that can be considered as
a negative effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
a negative effect
negative effects
show examples
particularly
Add the comma(s)
, particularly
show examples
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
. The government should take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility
to maintain
Change preposition
for maintaining
show examples
the
violence
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computer
games
or on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task response
Make sure to stay focused on the topic throughout the essay. Provide a clear stance and support it with relevant arguments and examples.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words and cohesive devices to create a logical and coherent structure. Ensure that the introduction and conclusion clearly present the topic and your opinion.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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