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Writing Samples
Band 4

As the world becomes technologically advanced, computers are replacing people at more and more jobs. What are some job positions that may be lost because of computers? What are some problems that may result from this situatiof!

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Technology and advancements go hand in hand. The advent of technology and
implementation
Correct article usage
the implementation
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 of modern tools and techniques are set to replace the
jobs
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 requiring human intervention with
computers
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. Nowadays most
work
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 that
require
Change the verb form
requires
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 entry of
recoreded
Correct your spelling
recorded
 data and analysis,
are
Change the verb form
is
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 being done through automated machines, leaving behind no
jobs
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 for people in
this
Linking Words
 sector. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I will discuss the
above stated
Add a hyphen
above-stated
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 notion in detail and will
also
Linking Words
 explain the problems that
this
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 situation will generate.
To begin
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 with, any
work
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 sector worldwide
require
Correct subject-verb agreement
requires
show examples
 the entry and recording of the data related to it. Earlier there were a lot of
jobs
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 available for people
concerning
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in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 line of
work
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.
Alongwith
Correct your spelling
Along with
this
Linking Words
,
book stores
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bookstores
show examples
 were
also
Linking Words
 the prime source of information and learning which can be now accessed easily through surfing
on
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apply
show examples
the web. After
introduction
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the introduction
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 of modern
computers
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, both of the
above stated
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above-stated
show examples
 sectors experienced a dramatic downfall in the
work
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 options related to it and are now completely replaced with desktops.
For instance
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,
According to
Linking Words
survey
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the survey
a survey
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, in the past
decade
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decade,
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 there has been a significant decline in the number of
jobs
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 related to data entry or selling books forcing the concerned
personell
Correct your spelling
personnel
 to change their line of
work
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.
Furthermore
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, in earlier times
as
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apply
show examples
more and more
jobs
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 that required human interference are now being completely replaced by
computers
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, leaving behind most of the populace with no
work
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 to do. As it is a very common saying " Empty mind is the devil's workshop", most of the individuals indulge themselves
to do
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in doing
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 illegal
work
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.
This
Linking Words
 not only endangers their life but
also
Linking Words
 jeopardize the future of their family.
For example
Linking Words
, the Ministry of
Work
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 has mandated to provide a monthly allowance and a replacement for the old job for the persons whose professions were snatched away by the introduction of
computers
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.
To sum up
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, the world of
automation
Correct article usage
the automation
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 industry is going to achieve great heights and is set to curb
the
Correct article usage
apply
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human interference to a minimum. It should be the
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of individuals to choose their profession wisely and the ruling organisations should
also
Linking Words
 be competent enough to provide new
work
Use synonyms
 options for the affected population.

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task response
Your essay does not fully address all aspects of the task. You should provide a more comprehensive and balanced discussion of the job positions that may be lost due to computers.
coherence cohesion
There is a lack of logical structure in your essay. Make sure to present your ideas in a clear and organized manner, with appropriate paragraphing.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary to express your ideas more effectively. Try to use specific and precise language to convey your thoughts.
grammatical range
Work on improving your grammatical accuracy. Pay attention to sentence structure, verb agreement, and tense consistency.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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