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Band 6.5

Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. So, companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #percent #percentage #women
With the development of gender equality sentiments, an increasing number of
employees
 are
women
 recently.
However
, an unfair social fact is that most advanced-level
positions
 still prefer males, still has been common. Ergo, some individuals have proposed that
companies
 are responsible for following a new rule, which allocates a certain percentage of high-level
positions
 are
women
. In
this
 essay, I will explore both sides of
this
 proposal by highlighting positive and negative aspects, arguing for a balanced view.  One compelling merit of
this
 new rule is that it will be welcomed by most basic-level
employees
.
This
 is because
women
 can show higher
empathy
 ability compared with men, and higher
empathy
 leaders have more opportunities to allow
employees
 to feel satisfied.
Moreover
, a high satisfaction level represents a low turnover rate. Definitely, it is beneficial for the long-term development of
companies
.
For instance
, if a seller who is employed by a pet supply company, and shows excellent sales performance, complains of relationship problems with her/his co-workers, a female manager may have a higher success rate in handling the person's problem since she has a natural ability about high
empathy
. In short, higher
empathy
 of
women
 may become a vital reason that can be used to support
this
 proposal.
Conversely
,
women
also
 have an obvious demerit that may lead to a potential risk for a company's management
positions
. Chiefly. higher
empathy
 may have some negative influence on wisdom decisions.
For example
, there is a Chinese idiom, which abandons oneself to emotion.
Furthermore
,
this
 proverb is characterized by someone allowing themselves to be controlled completely by a feeling, and it means a lack of rational identity. Obviously, it is dangerous for them to make a decision;
hence
, higher
empathy
 may be a good reason to help a company persuade the administration to hire more females to do high-level
positions
,
while
 it may have become an obstacle factor for the success of
this
 proposal. The gist of the matter is that females playing more high-level
positions
 is a double-edged sword. on the one hand,
this
 group makes it easier to deal with conflict issues of basic-level
employees
 and avoid more dismission happening.
On the other hand
, they
also
 may make more risky decisions that bring more negative effects on
companies
' profits
due to
 a higher
empathy
 for natural character traits. So I believe that
companies
 need to provide more chances
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
women
 to take part in high-level
positions
 and cultivate a partnership between men and
women
 in leadership
positions
.
Submitted by lyutingting520 on

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task response
Task Response: The essay provides a balanced view and discusses both positive and negative aspects of the proposal. The response is complete and objectives well addressed. Keep the discussion focused on the specific proposal and its implications for companies and women's role in high-level positions.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates a clear logical structure, and the introduction and conclusion are present. However, some areas could be improved, such as more consistent use of paragraphing and clearer linking of ideas within and between paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender disparity
  • glass ceiling
  • workforce representation
  • gender diversity
  • equal opportunity
  • professional advancement
  • social equality
  • gender equality
  • empowerment
  • barrier
  • discrimination
  • inequality
  • bias
  • reinforce
  • inclusive
  • combat
  • strive for
  • promote
  • nurture
  • enhance
  • progressive
  • implement
  • quota system
What to do next:
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