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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the percentage change in the share of international students among university graduates in different Canadian provinces over a period of 5 years.

The chart below shows the percentage change in the share of international students among university graduates in different Canadian provinces over a period of 5 years.
#percentage #change #students #university #graduates #canadian #provinces #period #years
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The diagram
illustrate
Change the verb form
illustrates
show examples
 the percentage change in the share of
world-wide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
show examples
 students among university graduates in
another Canadian provinces
Replace the adjective
another Canadian province
other Canadian provinces
show examples
 between 2001 and 2006.
Overall
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2006
undoubtly
Correct your spelling
undoubtedly
seem
Wrong verb form
seemed
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 a very good result for all Canadian
universities
 and New Brunswick
has
Wrong verb form
had
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 highest
per
Correct your spelling
percentage
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cent
 among
universities
 in both years. The most noticeable
changes
Fix the agreement mistake
change
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has
Verb problem
is
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 British Columbia which was under 5 per
cent
 and was a fifth place ,
become
Wrong verb form
became
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 second and has a above 10 per
cent
.
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 Nova Scotia which was
a
Correct article usage
apply
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next to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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New Brunswick increased their score, despite in 2006
faled
Correct your spelling
falling
 opposing to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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British Columbia.
Furthermore
,
universities
 like Ontario, Labrador ,Newfoundland and
Monitoba
Correct your spelling
Manitoba
also
 had an increase and doubled in 2006 in 5 years.
As well as
 Quebec and Alberta didn't stay in one place and increased sharply
according to
previous
Add an article
the previous
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 year. Over 5 year period
universities
 show incredible results. Since more
universities
 were below
from
Change preposition
apply
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5 per
cent
 and only three of them were high
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
5. In 2006 all were above five, during three were above ten.
Submitted by aikumarbekarys on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words universities, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "change" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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